Making the Effort

I'm determined to write more on my little blog! Writing forces me to use my dormant brain and I'm able to purge some feelings to save my family from the envitable explosion of emotions!! Until I put my thoughts together, I thought I'd post some pictures - easy, peasy!

My Version of a Photo Dump

I don't have a smart phone so I can't post some cool photo dump that people with the iPhones periodically do and I don't have any cool apps to make my photos look old or whatever. What I do have is a camera and I take it everywhere and so I'm going to dump some of my more recent photos on here. Why? Because I love my family, I love our travels, and I love our life :) Basketball in the c-c-c-old!

Briege & Keagan toughing it out in the cold - there's that Indiana blood :)

Better weather for some b-ball w/ Briege, Keagan, and Murphy

...again

St. Ignatius class of 2016!!

Bill and Sugar (before her summer shave - she looks like a homeless dish rag in the picture)

First time on an airplane - going to Bonita Springs, FL (Easter Break 2012)

The kiddos in the airport

Finally, pool time!!!

Lots of "in the air" shots at the pool

The kids first day on Barefoot Beach in Bonita Springs

Amazing sunsets in Florida

Keagan, well, being Keagan - hee hee!

Briege and hubby, Bill

The Family in Bonita 2012

2012 Cleveland Color Run

My sister, Kerry, and I are signed up and ready to do this on June 16th!! It's a 5k and so I'm praying that either; a) I can work myself up to running a 5k (with my back problems, it's not likely) or b) Kerry won't mind "slumming" it with me doing it via a walk!! It's not a timed race and it's for fun so I'm excited to do something with just my sister and friend...I miss her tons!!

Watch:

L.A.Z.Y.

Gosh, I have been so lazy with this blogging thing! It doesn't help that my computer, once again, is virus-prone and now doesn't let me even log on to the internet, ugh! I ask so little and the internet was one of the few ways that I was able to feel somewhat connected to, well, anything!! Perhaps, that's the true lesson here? Perhaps the lesson that I am being shown, among many, is that I need to focus my attention on my life HERE. I, somehow, need to embrace my life as an Ohioan (I refuse to say that I am a Buckeye!!!!) But, how to do that?

How to do this when there are days that I am so lonely for friendship that I can barely breathe? Too dramatic? Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic but I want to be able to dive head-first into my/our life here and it's difficult when I'm either the new girl sitting alone in the cafeteria or the poor girl with her nose pressed up against the window at the toy store. Neither scenario is really a place that I've ever been. Except once...

Only once have I experienced a worse case of loneliness. It was roughly 12 years ago that I was a new mother of 2 in a 3rd floor apartment with only 1 car. I had returned to Ft. Wayne, IN - back to the scene of some horrible choices and horrible times of my college career. Sure, I met some great friends and my sister was there with me but college was a dark time for me in so many ways. And, yet, here I was again in THIS city as a married mother of a 2 year old and a newborn. The hubby worked all of the time and when he wasn't working, he wasn't home very often. I was forced to function on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night as my daughter had trouble sleeping at night so I was up all night with her and then had to entertain my 2 year old son during the day with no napping during the day. Any friends that I had in college had since moved away except for a few and even if I wanted to meet up with them, I had no vehicle in which to do it.

I describe this particular period of time because as lonely as I am here and now, I am very thankful and very blessed that I have the beautiful kids and the wonderful husband that I do at this moment. I can look back at that terribly awful (seriously, one of the lowest times of my life despite the fact that I love, love, loved my babies) time and realize that I have much to be thankful for now! Again, I am thankful for my husband - who when is not work IS home with the kids and me. I am thankful that my 3 beautiful children are super smart in school, wonderful athletes, kind, and thoughtful. I am thankful that I have a car and the ability to get around if I need to do so. I am thankful that I am not 29 years old (as I was then) and that at 41 I'm a little more secure in the person that God wants me to be and that I can remind myself more easily that I do not require the external things like weekend plans or family down the street to make me whole. I do not require anything except the love of God and family and I have those in abundance!!

So, yes, because I am human I do sometimes feel like that little girl left out of the slumber party but it does not define me as it once did! I just need to work on not airing everything out via Facebook or via texts or whatever technological device is handy. Winning the race is much sweeter when you've tasted the pitfalls of defeat once or twice (or thrice - thrice?)

Christmas 2011 - Part 1

In a perfect world, my house would look like one of these pictures! Alas, I haven't begun to decorate. Heck, I haven't even located all of my Christmas decorations! They have grown legs and are now hiding from me since our move to Ohio in August! It's a cruel, cruel joke that I cannot find them! And just a friendly FYI: when packing for a move in the hot, stinkin' summer months, do not assume that you will NOT need things for winter like shovels, boots, or, ahem, your pre-lit Christmas tree!

So brings on the 2011 Christmas dilemma: To stay or not to stay?

I realize that I am not the first person in the history of the world to move away from family. I know that others have had to deal with how to handle the holidays - whether to stay or go. This would be the first Christmas that I wouldn't be with my extended family, E.V.E.R. I know how important it is for my kids to spend time with their many cousins and their grandparents and so we're trying to find a way to get it all in there while also being able to spend quality time with our immediate family. Here's the heart-breaker for me - I want nothing more than to spend time with my family members and their families but I cannot fathom the idea of not having the kiddos run out from the bedrooms to the Christmas tree to see if Santa came. Sure, we could do that while staying with my parents but it's their tree and it's their house. Does this mean that we forgo even getting a tree for our new house this year?

I keep telling myself that, in the end, it just won't matter. All that matters is that we are together and have kept our eyes (at least one good one) on the reason behind all of the hoopla! I love the sacredness and the quiet of Advent. I love anticipating the glorious day of the birth of our Savior! I love the Christmas Mass with all of its lights shining and joyful music blaring and, most especially, the Eucharist being front and center at this most special time! In the end, I do know that the rest is just gravy. It won't matter where we wake up on Christmas morning of 2011. If, after reflection, we see that our plan didn't seem to work out, then we change it up for next year. I sometimes get caught up in all of the bigness of the day and lose sight of the little things!

I think I'll start with finding my Advent wreath and other mysteriously absent decorations! Perhaps our house will, one day, look like the pictures at the top of this blog post. Or, maybe not :)

Happy Advent!

So Much...

I'm not sure where the time has gone! In 18 short days, I will become Mrs. William White!! I am overwhelmed with all of the newness that is approaching. I love my future husband so much that my toes tingle! I am humbled and grateful and blessed and excited at becoming Bill's wife. I am truly honored to be gifted again with the opportunity to share in the sacrament of Marriage. When Bill 1 (as Keagan calls him) died, I really thought that my life as a wife was over. I was perfectly content in being a mother to my beautiful kids but God had other plans for me and planted Bill 2 deep into my heart. Ooooh, I just can't wait!

With this amazing gift comes many changes! Moving 273 miles away is very intimidating to me. I've never really lived away from my family. I don't count college because that time was spent with my sister and I was usually at the bars or at class. I also lived away for 2 years when Murphy and Briege were very little and that almost caused me to have a nervous break-down. Maybe it is that memory that is causing much of my anxiety?? I just continually go back to my prayers and trust that God will honor the process and my obedience to His Will. I truly feel God calling me to cling to my husband (future husband) and trust that "If God has led me to it, He will lead me through it" If only I was as strong and as faithful as I pretend to be to the world!!

So, back to packing and cleaning and planning and paying. I look forward to finally be done with this chapter and getting to live my life as Mrs. William White. It's a hard statement to make because I'm so sad to be leaving my family and my friends but I'm very excited to make new friends with my new (and existing) family in a new city.

Mother's Day

I share this article not because I am in "need" of any kind of acknowledgment but because I do think about how I felt for the longest time that I belonged in the "no-man's-land" of motherhood categories. For 7 years before I was blessed with Murphy, I felt so weird about Mother's Day. I mean, I've always had a mother (and up until about 7 years ago, a grandmother too) so I didn't sit and ponder the day away. But, I did feel a sense of loss on each and every Mother's Day because I had no proof that I was any kind of a mother and it was awkward because I knew that there was a child in the world with my DNA that was calling someone else mother. I say that with a thankful heart for I am sure that he is in wonderful hands with his parents.

I also have a huge place in my heart for those women that for various reasons cannot give birth to children. I pray for the families that open their lives and their hearts to adoption - I cannot imagine my worry if I did not have the choice of a wonderful mother (and father) for my son. So, on Mother's Day, I ask that we all just pause and remember mothers of all kinds - birthmothers, adoptive mothers, and childless mothers (the aunts, cousins, sisters, friends)

May we all turn to Our Lady and ask that she may spiritually adopt all of us!

On Mother's Day, Honor Moms Who Chose Adoption Over Abortion | LifeNews.com

Nothing is New! Yet, Everything is New!

Sorry, I haven't at all been motivated to write much! I'd like to say it's because my house is up for sale, I've secured a venue for my reception, I lost 35 pounds, I bought a dress, I'm relatively packed...but that would be the exact opposite of what has been going on in my world!!

Instead it's this:


And this:


Not enough of this:


More of this:


An abundance of this:


And loving this:


I'm thinking I need to add more of this:


And, definitely, more of this:


So...off to go do more of, well, this!

Prayer

I'm reading an amazing book about the life of St. Joseph and it has convicted me on my lack of prayer life. Yes, I pray but it's always a last second Hail Mary thrown out there to make myself feel better for having "prayed". Really? How would I feel if my kids neglected to talk to me or tell me thank you or I love you except 5 seconds before their eyes close for the night? Well, I know I would still adore them but I would long for their attention and their love. How, then, can I not see that the Divine Creator would not want that much from me? Why is it that He deserves my last 5 seconds before sleep? He doesn't!

The grand irony of it all? I feel extreme loneliness! Yes, I, who am surrounded my children all day - needing me, loving me, talking to me, laughing with me - am lonely. I realize that loneliness can be a blessing or an invitation to deeper prayer with Our Lord and I'm going to take it as such. I'm not going to delve into some "poor me" weep-fest because I'm lonely. I truly am going to treat this as my nudge from God that He misses me (golly, it's hard for me to even write that because who am I for Him to miss??) I am bound and determined to give God more than my final 5 seconds of the day! I truly have so much to be thankful for in my life. I have my health, my 3 beautiful kids, my wonderful fiance, my sturdy house, my friends, my family, etc. That, all by itself, is reason enough for me to give pause and shout my thank yous to my Heavenly Father - every.minute.of.the.day!!! But, alas, I don't and then I wonder why I'm lonely - seriously?

It's time for me to turn back to prayer as my primary source of support - in ALL things! I'm trying to plan a wedding for a date that has yet to be determined and move to a house that has yet to be determined with all details, yep, yet to be determined. What's left except persistent prayer? Well, lots of things are left but what makes the most sense is persistent prayer! So, instead of busting my hide to beat my high score in Pyramid Solitaire on Facebook or watch the latest episode of the Office, I am going to spend more time dedicating myself and my family to deeper and more meaningful prayer. At the end of the day, it's really all that matters!

First Snow Pictures of 2010

These are just a few of our snow pictures. We have since gotten about 6-8 more inches but that happened while the kids were at school. And, since we are still in History Day H...(I won't call it what I really want to call it), it won't be until at least Wednesday that the kiddos will get some serious snow time!!

YAY SNOW!!!!!!!!!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I posted this because I just like the snow picture!!

So, I went to my future home this past weekend to find a good school(s) for the kiddos. We started off by going to a fundraiser for a small, independent Catholic school (meaning=they are independently funded but still adhere to all of the Catholic teachings) It was a beautiful night and I met a lot of wonderful people that value their Catholic faith very much. At the end of the evening, I did determine that it wasn't the school for Murphy as they will only have 11 kids in the 8th grade next year and he needs more of a stepping stone into high school. I'm worried for Briege as there were kids there putting on a "show" by having a trivia contest. 5th graders were answering what the meaning of Latin words were! What? I think Briege is totally capable but I don't want her to feel like she's lost if that kind of work load is over her head. Keagan - well, he's my wild card! He's young enough to go anywhere but I wonder how they deal with his behavior "issues"?

We went to a brief open house at the all-girl Catholic high school, down the street. I love that it's all girls. I think that kind of learning behavior would benefit all kids - even at this age. I love the school. It has an amazing performing arts center, a huge gym, state of the art science and computer labs, and even a gift shop. A gift shop??? Yep! My only issue with it is...please don't send me hate letters...all girl schools tend to be rather liberal in their mindset. They push the feminist agenda and it's not always the agenda that I think is very feminine. It can be especially troubling in a Catholic setting because the tendency can be to teach the young women that they are being oppressed because women cannot be ordained as priests or that their role in the Church is secondary. I find that to be totally false so it would be my job to instill that in Briege. I do not know that this happens at this particular high school but I do know that it happens overwhelmingly at all-girl/women Catholic schools (both collegiate and other)

I'm trying to figure out the best possible case for a seamless transition for the kids and I. I'm certain that whatever decision we make, will turn out for the best. I'm also certain that there will be some pain involved. I'm very sad to be leaving the school that my kids are in right now. More so for Murphy than for the other two. He has some great friends and I happen to like their parents as well. This has been a gift to me to be able to call these people my friends and I will miss them terribly.

But...

I am ready to start my new life with Bill. I'm ready to forge ahead and make decisions with my new husband for the good of the family. When you grow up, like I have, you tend to make every decision a group one. This hasn't been all bad but there are times that it has been hard to "buck the system" and decide for myself things affecting my life and the lives of my children. I will most certainly miss my family - I can hardly begin to think about it!! However, with each step towards independence (which is what I feel this will be) I feel a great urgency to get the details accomplished and begin my life anew.

It's much easier talking about all of this in the abstract. Don't ask me to talk about it when it becomes a reality! I'm not sure I'll be able to verbalize any of it!

Hen-pecked!

A friend has a magnet on her refrigerator that says, "Being a mother can sometimes feel like being hen-pecked by chickens!" I must be chicken feed because I feel pecked to death! Either it's keeping my oldest from being mean to his sister or it's keeping my youngest from plotting some sort of mischievous plan to take over the school. I have friends that only have boys and they say they couldn't imagine their lives any better because girls are a headache. Well, let me tell you a little secret: Girls may have a little more drama but they are loyal and care about more than their own little piece of the world.

It's got to be something that I'm doing wrong with my sons. Maybe they needed me to be more motherly with them instead of the task-master that I tend to be day in and day out! I've tried to support their interests while also teaching them that the world doesn't revolve around them but the results have not been promising. I have one son that would rather pull out his own eyelashes than attend anything that didn't involve a sporting event. No, a sporting event that HE likes. There had better be something in it for him or beware the wrath - UGH! The other son likes to bully his way around a room. Not in the traditional bully way but he wears you down with his complaining and nagging that one is in tears because he just won't stop!

I know there are wonderful qualities that they both have and I should now name them all but I'm too frustrated to do it in this post! I just, for once, would like someone to tell me, "Oh, you're Keagan's mom...he's such a thoughtful young man" Instead I get phone calls from his K.I.N.D.E.R.G.A.R.T.E.N. teacher telling me that he has 3 conduct marks so he will miss his recess and that he pulled a boy's pants down in gym glass which, technically, is grounds for suspension! Fabulous! Let me make room on my trophy shelf for the Mom Award! What do I do?

I think I'm going to start reading my book about St. Augustine again. He was quite the scoundrel but his mother just kept on praying for him. Perhaps, that's all I can do along with a firm hand and a gentle spirit. So, if St. Monica would like to send me a loud message on how to survive raising boys, that would be great!! And, for all of you mothers raising only boys, I say WHEW!