Monday, December 3, 2012

Just Sittin' Here...Hoping

It's been a while since I've written a real "meat and potatoes" type post. It is not from my huge social calendar nor because of the lack of time I spend at home but more because I, again, struggle with putting a finger on the emotions that I feel each day. I'm not sure if it's because I am peri-menopausal (am I??) or just plain C.R.A.Z.Y. but I have become a prisoner of my emotions the past 6 months.
Perhaps the negativity of the past presidential election seeped in to my every day life? Yes, I'll blame Obama The One for any problems with handling my emotional health!! No, it's not just the fact that there is a politician out there that I don't like - there are many - it's more the morons that like the politicians! I know, it's not very Christ-like of me to label them as morons and then doesn't it make me as angry and moronic like them? Sigh...Part of me can't wait to sit back and watch all of the b.s. happen and see "his" followers frothing at the mouth or starting revolutions because they want EVERYTHING without working for ANY of it. Let's keep abortion legal because, after all, why should it be any of our business if 60,000,000 babies have been murdered in the name of choice or convenience or confusion or manipulation or deception or fear? Again, sigh... ok, I'll move on from the stomach-turning emotions I have in regards to this administration!
So, where to go from those emotions?? I'd like to add many up-beat and lively ones but those are few and far between. I take great joy in seeing my children adapt and thrive here in Ohio. It really does take the sting away to know that they are happy and finding a few places that make it feel like home here. Murphy has an amazing ability to draw people to him. He doesn't change the way he is to suit the group of people he's with - people like him because he's loyal and funny and confident. Briege, as I've mentioned many times, is kind and giving and funny. She has never met a person that she doesn't like - and that causes hurt feelings more often than not but it also makes people love her. It's my little Keagan that I'm most worried about now. I thought, for sure, that he would have the easiest time with this transition because he was only 7 when we moved but that has not proven to be the case. He struggles finding friends because he can come across very strong and a bit "over" confident. He's not cocky but he is agressive in sports and likes everything to be completely fair even if it rubs people the wrong way. He hates his school and I, as mommy, do not know what to do to fix this because, frankly, I feel the same way. I feel lost and lonely and angry most of the time.
I could definitely look back at previous blog posts and see that I have struggled with finding my place long before the move. It is probably just all of those same issues magnified because I don't have too many outlets to work through them. I have read many wonderful spiritual books which have given me lots of medicine for my soul but, at the same time, kind of make me feel worse than I did before reading. Does that make sense? I am a rather simple gal - I see a problem, I find solutions, I attempt solutions, and the problem is "fixed". It's great in theory but it doesn't work in life exactly the same way! Why the heck not??? Why can't it be that simple?
The holiday season is tough for me because I love it but I have, in my head, the way it all should look and sound and smell and I always fall short. A few weeks ago I reached out to a woman here in Ohio and told her how sad I was to be away from my extended family over Thanksgiving and probably Christmas and asked if we could get together just so I could get out of my funk. I was reaching out and her response? "Um, can it wait until the holidays are over, I'm redoing my kitchen?" Are you kidding me? I know, on the one hand, she was just being honest and that's what friends do. On the other hand, who does that? Apparently people in this bubble of a town in which I reside do THAT! It's been a year and a half and I've met some nice people but I have not gone out socially with a single person in a year and a half. ONE.YEAR.AND.A.HALF. I volunteer at the high school, I volunteer at the grade school, I coached my daughter's volleyball, I volunteer for the pro-life group in the city, and so on but nothing. Why? I mean, WHY?
I know that my life could be worse and it has been, at times, super bad :( but I have never felt this isolated or this unimportant in my whole life. My marriage is a constant struggle with me wanting my husband to even notice me or to do what he says he'll do. I want a true partnership but I feel like he is still lost in that selfish caveman mode whereas I come in to his world with 3 kids with 3 independent and busy lives and he just stays in automatic. There are benefits to this as he keeps us all calm but it makes me sad to see him so unplugged to the world that is happening right in front of his nose. I have hope and that means a ton! I know that God brought us together and He will see us through this but it sure hurts sometimes.
So, I'll just keep sittin' here and I'll just keep hoping!