Just Sittin' Here...Hoping

It's been a while since I've written a real "meat and potatoes" type post. It is not from my huge social calendar nor because of the lack of time I spend at home but more because I, again, struggle with putting a finger on the emotions that I feel each day. I'm not sure if it's because I am peri-menopausal (am I??) or just plain C.R.A.Z.Y. but I have become a prisoner of my emotions the past 6 months.
Perhaps the negativity of the past presidential election seeped in to my every day life? Yes, I'll blame Obama The One for any problems with handling my emotional health!! No, it's not just the fact that there is a politician out there that I don't like - there are many - it's more the morons that like the politicians! I know, it's not very Christ-like of me to label them as morons and then doesn't it make me as angry and moronic like them? Sigh...Part of me can't wait to sit back and watch all of the b.s. happen and see "his" followers frothing at the mouth or starting revolutions because they want EVERYTHING without working for ANY of it. Let's keep abortion legal because, after all, why should it be any of our business if 60,000,000 babies have been murdered in the name of choice or convenience or confusion or manipulation or deception or fear? Again, sigh... ok, I'll move on from the stomach-turning emotions I have in regards to this administration!
So, where to go from those emotions?? I'd like to add many up-beat and lively ones but those are few and far between. I take great joy in seeing my children adapt and thrive here in Ohio. It really does take the sting away to know that they are happy and finding a few places that make it feel like home here. Murphy has an amazing ability to draw people to him. He doesn't change the way he is to suit the group of people he's with - people like him because he's loyal and funny and confident. Briege, as I've mentioned many times, is kind and giving and funny. She has never met a person that she doesn't like - and that causes hurt feelings more often than not but it also makes people love her. It's my little Keagan that I'm most worried about now. I thought, for sure, that he would have the easiest time with this transition because he was only 7 when we moved but that has not proven to be the case. He struggles finding friends because he can come across very strong and a bit "over" confident. He's not cocky but he is agressive in sports and likes everything to be completely fair even if it rubs people the wrong way. He hates his school and I, as mommy, do not know what to do to fix this because, frankly, I feel the same way. I feel lost and lonely and angry most of the time.
I could definitely look back at previous blog posts and see that I have struggled with finding my place long before the move. It is probably just all of those same issues magnified because I don't have too many outlets to work through them. I have read many wonderful spiritual books which have given me lots of medicine for my soul but, at the same time, kind of make me feel worse than I did before reading. Does that make sense? I am a rather simple gal - I see a problem, I find solutions, I attempt solutions, and the problem is "fixed". It's great in theory but it doesn't work in life exactly the same way! Why the heck not??? Why can't it be that simple?
The holiday season is tough for me because I love it but I have, in my head, the way it all should look and sound and smell and I always fall short. A few weeks ago I reached out to a woman here in Ohio and told her how sad I was to be away from my extended family over Thanksgiving and probably Christmas and asked if we could get together just so I could get out of my funk. I was reaching out and her response? "Um, can it wait until the holidays are over, I'm redoing my kitchen?" Are you kidding me? I know, on the one hand, she was just being honest and that's what friends do. On the other hand, who does that? Apparently people in this bubble of a town in which I reside do THAT! It's been a year and a half and I've met some nice people but I have not gone out socially with a single person in a year and a half. ONE.YEAR.AND.A.HALF. I volunteer at the high school, I volunteer at the grade school, I coached my daughter's volleyball, I volunteer for the pro-life group in the city, and so on but nothing. Why? I mean, WHY?
I know that my life could be worse and it has been, at times, super bad :( but I have never felt this isolated or this unimportant in my whole life. My marriage is a constant struggle with me wanting my husband to even notice me or to do what he says he'll do. I want a true partnership but I feel like he is still lost in that selfish caveman mode whereas I come in to his world with 3 kids with 3 independent and busy lives and he just stays in automatic. There are benefits to this as he keeps us all calm but it makes me sad to see him so unplugged to the world that is happening right in front of his nose. I have hope and that means a ton! I know that God brought us together and He will see us through this but it sure hurts sometimes.
So, I'll just keep sittin' here and I'll just keep hoping!

My Apologies

It seems as though I am always apologizing lately. I'm apologizing because I dare to have an opinion on a particular political candidate - code for: Obama. In my opinion, he is down-right evil! I realize that some may say that he may be misguided or that he merely shares a different political agenda that I do but, as for me, the writing is on the wall; the proof is in the pudding; where there's smoke there's fire! Take, for just one tiny example, as part of his lovely Obamacare MANDATE (not suggestion, not choice, but MANDATE) there are frightening little bonuses that allow states, such as Oregon (and any other state that would allow or propose it) the following: "With back-to-school season in full swing across the nation, parents in Oregon have more to worry about than shopping for sweaters and purchasing pencils. In the state of Oregon, the Obamacare mandate, which went into effect on August 1, 2012, provides free sterilizations to girls as young as fifteen. Now, your daughter, your high school freshman, can choose, without your consent, to be permanently sterilized." What the heck?? Am I to apologize because MY president is proposing that states should have the freedom to allow their young people to be sterilized at ages as young as 15 without parental consent and this saddens me? I'm apologizing for what? I'm apologizing because I, personally, have not had a tubal ligation, been on the pill, or used a condom to prevent children. Now, do NOT get me wrong, this is what I have done personally - never in my interaction with anyone have I judged someone that has taken this path. I realize we all have our own paths and we all are doing what we feel is right and just in our own lives. Here comes the but in my statement: But, do not ask me to apologize because I have NOT chosen this path. If you feel guilty or feel judged because I'm not patting you on the back for these choices and telling you, "Hurrah", then that's something you should examine. And, don't expect me NOT to tell you why I have made these choices if YOU ask me!! 'Cause, I'm gonna tell you if YOU ask - I very rarely offer my opinions on things that may cause hurt unless someone, pointedly, asks me my opinion or asks me why I don't believe in using any of these things. I'm apologizing because I dare to correct someone when they, verbatim, make a false statement about the Catholic Church...MY Catholic Church! One example, recently, was a statement about yoga and the Catholic Church. The person stated that the reason that yoga is frowned upon by Catholics is because of yoga's former pagan roots. This is a completely false characteristic of why the Catholic Church has stated that practicing yoga is contrary to CHRISTIAN and Catholic principles because of its CURRENT connection to New Age mysticism found in NON-CHRISTIAN religions like Hinduism and Budhism. Yet, I am asked to "lighten up" and to "shut up" about correcting the statement which portrays MY Church in a false light - making Catholics seem like we just sit in our rockers thinking of ways to be buzz-kills!! "Yoga is incompatible with Catholicism because the best known practice of Hindu spirituality is Yoga. “Inner” Hinduism professes pantheism, which denies that there is only one infinite Being who created the world out of nothing." - FATHER JOHN HARDON, S.J. Yep, I'm only citing one priest because his explanation makes sense and I need nothing more to "convince" me to stay away from yoga. Is there only one way to exercise and relax? Are we just so obsessed with finding ways to de-program that we are willing to engage in practices that shift focus away from Christ towards a more self-centered approach to life? I know, I don't get it because I am a lazy gal whose only job it is to be a stay-at-home mother. Therefore, I apologize...groan! I'm apologizing because my "friends" just don't have time to be friends. I would know that if I actually had a J.O.B. I apologize because it is impossible to return a text from me with the words; "BUZZ OFF" or "MISS YOU" or "LEAVE ME ALONE" or... I apologize because it must take hundreds of seconds to type out an email catching up with me or, on the contrary, telling me to get lost! I aplogize because returning a phone call must take hours. I mean punching in 10 numbers - exhausting! I know I sound bitter and perhaps I am. I am sad that years of tears and laughter and advice and chats about nothing and everything all seem to be worth nothing anymore. It is particularly painful because I live in a new (relatively) place without the attachments of years of friendship in my pocket like everyone else here seems to have. I value and I am open to new friendships every day and I am still hopeful it will happen to me here in Ohio. I guess I just never thought that I would be that friend. The one that people just forget about because it's all "out of sight: out of mind" kind of a thing. I mean I'm 41, not 17!! I'm capable of making a new marriage work, incorporating his 2 sons in to my life, driving my oldest 25 miles away for baseball practice 3 times a week, coaching eleven 12 year old girls the game of volleyball 3 times a week, and also preparing my son for high school and my 2 younger kiddos for another year at their school all while my husband travels 4 days a week. Yep, I can sure manage a 10 minute phone call in there and I can figure out how to pound on my keyboard to shoot an email and I, most definitely, know how to point my chubby fingers across my QWERTY phone to send a text. But, I apologize for being an obligation - my bad! MY APOLOGIES!