Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas! Words cannot describe my feelings today! It is a mixture of joy and peace yet sprinkled in there is a sadness, too. I am going to shake it off and begin again. I will offer up (or at least I'll try) my own personal struggles today and replace it with the overwhelming love I have for Our Lord today! What an amazing gift - the gift of Our Savior!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
There's so much happening around me...yet, I feel like I'm the only one not moving! I am trying so hard to remain/get/arrive in a prayerful and peaceful state but it's not working. Christmas is difficult for me. I'm not going to cry about being lonely for Christmas because it's not that. I guess I'm just a bit sad at having to do it by myself. Not resentful because of it but sad. It might be easier if I didn't know what it was like to have someone to share these things but I do remember. No one was a bigger kid than Bill! He knew exactly which presents to set up the night before while all I thought about was getting the dishes done so I wouldn't have to do them in the morning. Or he knew how to ensure the kids couldn't sneak a peek at the tree without our knowledge while I thought about who was going to eat the 'Santa' cookies left out for the big guy (gal)
It wasn't or it isn't that I'm not nostalgic and traditional and all of those things because I am. It's just that it's much easier as a team because you have a checks and balance thing going! It has worked for me to be the task master and now that it's just me, I see that I can't always have my task master hat on and it's stuck! I have a difficult time relaxing. It's not that I'm a stick in the mud or mean it's just that I don't know how to stop thinking about all of the necessary things to be done and just be awake.
It has become more evident since being back in the dating world. I see that I am very, very rusty when it comes to letting someone do anything for me. It is hard to relax and let another person be the fun one and just be awake. I long to be that casual person EVERY.ONCE.IN.A.WHILE. But...I have realized that it has served my family well for me to be the task master. I also have realized that the kids are older and we all need to evolve and roll with the changes ahead. We (well, come on -ME!) need to let go some of the tasks reserved for the task master and share it. It's still not the same as sharing the Christmas lists with one's spouse but it isn't all bad either.
I am going to pray in the next few days for that peace and that "relaxation" to come across me and to be thankful and loving and calm and AWAKE!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I have been faced with a certain crisis the past week and it has enabled me to stop and really listen. Have you done that? Not just listening and waiting until the other person(s) are done speaking so as to impart your amazing advice but really just listen to someone or no one. I know, I'm straddling on that abstract artsy-fartsy fence and that's a world that I know nothing about in the least!! What I mean is, via this crisis that I encountered, I was able to shut my mouth and allow others to minister TO me. That's not easy to do for a care-taker like myself. I pride myself on being the one to hold and comfort and advise and love others and I am not at all comfortable being on the other side of that. I want that but when it's given to me, I'm often left wondering (to myself) what the "payback" will be for being vulnerable?
How sad is that? How sad that when my friends or my family reach out to assist me that I'm, all the while, wondering what I should do to repay the favor. This isn't because my friends and family are demanding of it. It's because (wait for it...) I don't feel worthy of the kindness! What the hell? I mean, come on! When is this record going to quit skipping? HOWEVER... the shell has begun to crack! I finally am beginning to see myself in the eyes of others. Don't get me wrong, I mean this in the healthy way. I am beginning to care less about my own skewed view of myself and I am beginning to open my eyes to the love that I see in the eyes of Dorrie and in the eyes of Shelly and in the eyes of Kerry and in the eyes of... I pray that this will lead to me ultimately seeing the love of God through my own eyes. Is this possible? I pray so! No, I know it is so!
So, why the picture of the snow on this entry? Well, if you know me, snow represents what I want for my life; peace, purity, true beauty, renewal. For others, snow represents nothing even resembling these things but I don't know what it is about me and Winter but the minute that last bit of snow melts in Spring, I am mourning the loss of Winter.
So, I guess I want to take this time to thank my dear, dear friends that have loved me through this crisis! To know that I will always have at least 2 people (probably more) that will hold back my hair and pat my head and let me know it's all going to be ok, is a gift that I hold precious in my heart!
"For there shall the seed produce peace and prosperity; the vine shall yield her fruit and the ground shall give its increase and the heavens shall give their dew; and I will cause the remnant of this people to inherit and possess all these things." Zechariah 8:12
(Here is my translation of this reading: We must enjoy the harvest that is returned to our lives when we sow into someone else's life. Make sense?)
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Well, winter decided to show itself today! It came upon us with such gusto - very high winds, sideways blowing snow, and super cold temps. I'm so happy about winter that I could just literally weep for joy! I will, however, enjoy it more when these gusty winds die down a bit. But, I long for the peacefulness, the gentleness, the quietness, the other 'nesses' of winter. While others (mostly everyone) around South Bend hate winter because it seems to last forever, I welcome it because it ushers in a more calm and homey time for me and my kids. I think, again, that it all has to do with peace for me and winter represents peace.
I have begun to read a book called, "The Apostolate of Holy Motherhood" It is a book based on the visions of a young mother in her thirties. I'm not going to get into a debate on the validity of visions or locutions - I believe that if God has something to say that he can darn well send His Mother or anyone else He wants in any form He wants. We all are in different stages of our lives and God meets us where we are and if it's the shape of a pancake or on the trunk of a tree or, in this case, in the embodiment of the Blessed Mother to this young mother, then so be it. OK?
There is a chapter called Silence and Obscurity that has really spoken to me and it deals with peace and that is how I have come to combine this post on winter with this post on peace and a message from Our Lady.
*Vision of Our Blessed Mother, she again appeared to have been crying as the day before:
"Silence and obscurity. This is what I ask of you. Let the light of the Lord shine through you in your daily duties. Many misunderstand this and think that they must be in the public eye to do great things for God. It is often quite the contrary. Silence and obscurity as I was in Bethlehem and Nazareth."
I found this to be very reassuring and refreshing and a relief. I, many times, wonder if any of what I am doing by "just" raising my kids will mean anything. How am I changing the world? How is anyone ever going to remember Kelly? In the words of Our Lady - silence and obscurity. I can do that!!