Tuesday, December 22, 2009
There's so much happening around me...yet, I feel like I'm the only one not moving! I am trying so hard to remain/get/arrive in a prayerful and peaceful state but it's not working. Christmas is difficult for me. I'm not going to cry about being lonely for Christmas because it's not that. I guess I'm just a bit sad at having to do it by myself. Not resentful because of it but sad. It might be easier if I didn't know what it was like to have someone to share these things but I do remember. No one was a bigger kid than Bill! He knew exactly which presents to set up the night before while all I thought about was getting the dishes done so I wouldn't have to do them in the morning. Or he knew how to ensure the kids couldn't sneak a peek at the tree without our knowledge while I thought about who was going to eat the 'Santa' cookies left out for the big guy (gal)
It wasn't or it isn't that I'm not nostalgic and traditional and all of those things because I am. It's just that it's much easier as a team because you have a checks and balance thing going! It has worked for me to be the task master and now that it's just me, I see that I can't always have my task master hat on and it's stuck! I have a difficult time relaxing. It's not that I'm a stick in the mud or mean it's just that I don't know how to stop thinking about all of the necessary things to be done and just be awake.
It has become more evident since being back in the dating world. I see that I am very, very rusty when it comes to letting someone do anything for me. It is hard to relax and let another person be the fun one and just be awake. I long to be that casual person EVERY.ONCE.IN.A.WHILE. But...I have realized that it has served my family well for me to be the task master. I also have realized that the kids are older and we all need to evolve and roll with the changes ahead. We (well, come on -ME!) need to let go some of the tasks reserved for the task master and share it. It's still not the same as sharing the Christmas lists with one's spouse but it isn't all bad either.
I am going to pray in the next few days for that peace and that "relaxation" to come across me and to be thankful and loving and calm and AWAKE!