Thursday, December 17, 2009
I have been faced with a certain crisis the past week and it has enabled me to stop and really listen. Have you done that? Not just listening and waiting until the other person(s) are done speaking so as to impart your amazing advice but really just listen to someone or no one. I know, I'm straddling on that abstract artsy-fartsy fence and that's a world that I know nothing about in the least!! What I mean is, via this crisis that I encountered, I was able to shut my mouth and allow others to minister TO me. That's not easy to do for a care-taker like myself. I pride myself on being the one to hold and comfort and advise and love others and I am not at all comfortable being on the other side of that. I want that but when it's given to me, I'm often left wondering (to myself) what the "payback" will be for being vulnerable?
How sad is that? How sad that when my friends or my family reach out to assist me that I'm, all the while, wondering what I should do to repay the favor. This isn't because my friends and family are demanding of it. It's because (wait for it...) I don't feel worthy of the kindness! What the hell? I mean, come on! When is this record going to quit skipping? HOWEVER... the shell has begun to crack! I finally am beginning to see myself in the eyes of others. Don't get me wrong, I mean this in the healthy way. I am beginning to care less about my own skewed view of myself and I am beginning to open my eyes to the love that I see in the eyes of Dorrie and in the eyes of Shelly and in the eyes of Kerry and in the eyes of... I pray that this will lead to me ultimately seeing the love of God through my own eyes. Is this possible? I pray so! No, I know it is so!
So, why the picture of the snow on this entry? Well, if you know me, snow represents what I want for my life; peace, purity, true beauty, renewal. For others, snow represents nothing even resembling these things but I don't know what it is about me and Winter but the minute that last bit of snow melts in Spring, I am mourning the loss of Winter.
So, I guess I want to take this time to thank my dear, dear friends that have loved me through this crisis! To know that I will always have at least 2 people (probably more) that will hold back my hair and pat my head and let me know it's all going to be ok, is a gift that I hold precious in my heart!
"For there shall the seed produce peace and prosperity; the vine shall yield her fruit and the ground shall give its increase and the heavens shall give their dew; and I will cause the remnant of this people to inherit and possess all these things." Zechariah 8:12
(Here is my translation of this reading: We must enjoy the harvest that is returned to our lives when we sow into someone else's life. Make sense?)