Friday, February 6, 2009

Discernment (or the lack thereof)

There has been a bit of a delay in my postings because, well, I wish that I had some glamorous reason but I don't. I guess just real life caught up with me and I needed to run with it for fear of getting trampled a bit. I've got so many thoughts racing through my head about the recent inauguration "festivities", the intensely sad activities of "the One", and we, finally, got a dog.
I've always loved dogs. I haven't gotten one because they are a lot of work, at times, and I just couldn't stand the thought of training a puppy, feeding a puppy, cleaning up after a puppy. But, my good friend had this dog that my kids loved dearly. I did too! She is the perfect pooch - she's friendly, she's cute, she doesn't shed, she rarely barks, she's potty trained, and she's not a puppy. It just worked out for all of us that this little pooch live with us and I cannot imagine my life any differently. It has filled a void in my life that, frankly, I didn't know that I had! The joy in her face (well, maybe it's in her hind end as her tail goes crazy) when we walk in the room is heart warming. I love my friend for giving me this amazing gift and she is always welcome to visit her (and me) Amazing love - that's what it is!
So, I'm back to reading more of I Believe in Love. Every time I read it I am blown away but how much it speaks to me and about me. This particular part floored me; "You must believe that He will do it. He is touched by your bitter regret at having done wrong. He is touched by your pain. He is touched even more by your confidence, and that attracts even more His mercy on you." I struggle daily, hourly with my inability to discern God's Will for me. My struggles also lie in the fact that I truly have a hard time allowing God to forgive me for my past transgressions. I confess them daily and I am constantly begging Him for his forgiveness. Instead of laying them at Jesus' feet and walking away, I sneak in and snatch them back. As if He doesn't know what I'm doing! I have become almost driven to find out what God's true plan is for me so when I stumbled across this part in the book - that He is touched by your confidence - I teetered back and forth between feeling guilty that I wasn't being very confident in God's Will and relieved that I can just know the He'll take care of me.
What I've also decided to do with this struggle of discernment is to let it go. I need to realize that even if I take the "wrong" path or I make the "wrong" decision that God is prepared for that! He's not human so he's not up there scrambling and freaking out because Kelly decided to get her Masters in Social Work instead of a Maters in English (or whatever) He is so amazing that He loves and honors our pain and our struggles but, most of all, our confidence in the fact that there is nothing that we can do to make Him not love us or not take care of us. The distance is created by us, not by Him!
So, I'm giving myself a week long break from even talking about discernment because it had become such a BIG word for me - it has a life of its own and I've got to see that God doesn't require us to discern, He gives us that option. I'm sure like most parents or most adults, that God would prefer that His children take the path that is less likely to cause pain but not always. That reminds me of another fabulous book that I read when Bill was sick. It is called Lessons from the School of Suffering. I cannot remember the author but it is awesome and it is written by a priest dying of cancer. It is not a sad book or a depressing book, it is filled with beautiful nuggets of hope about the good that can come from suffering. I have given my copy away to a suffering friend but I will get another copy and I would recommend that book to anyone - whether you are struggling with something or not.