Thursday, January 21, 2010

Happiness...Well, Peacefulness...Well, Contentment...

I couldn't exactly decide on what to call this particular post! Am I happy? Am I peaceful? Am I content? Well, not always any or all of these things but I have felt another shift in my life. I believe it might have to do with me finally getting out of a personal situation that I've struggled with for about 3 months. I feel badly that it has ended badly and with bitterness and sadness peppered in the mix but, I'm amazed at how I've finally realized that I.AM.NOT.RESPONSIBLE.FOR.ANYONE.ELSE'S.HAPPINESS.

It seems like such a foolish and simple thing but I have never quite grasped the concept of this fact. I can spew it all I want and I can advise others of this but to truly believe it has escaped me until I witnessed it happen! I got to see firsthand that I am not the end all for someone's happiness! I was graced to see God's Grace wash upon me in the midst of an intimidating set of circumstances. I have grown, my people (well, in this blog's case, my person), I have grown! Now don't go flipping back to ALL of the other blog entries I've written to see where else I said I've conquered something and claimed growth - not nice!

There is, indeed, a difference in this growth "spurt". I have allowed God to completely and totally take over in the process. I've asked for His guidance in handling the situation and He has given me amazing words and an abundant amount of peace. I don't know that I've ever truly allowed God to work His stuff before this moment! The 2 years after Bill's death don't count as that was all God and no amount of me in there! This time, I realized that God was allowing me to be His instrument instead of me pretending that God was my instrument and trying to handle it all by myself! What a concept, huh?

So, without throwing the other person in the situation under the bus, I will just move on to how the good Lord has been working on me lately! The Kelly from the past was always wrapped up in how everyone thought about her. I believe that's normal but the lengths in which I went about to obtain approval from anyone was not normal nor healthy! Well, after stumbling through my 20s in this self-hatred fog which led to poor, poor, POOR decisions, I've emerged, finally, from the other side of it (albeit in my late 30s) a better person.

It's sad that it sometimes takes someone else to lead you there but I can see the shiny light of true redemption and peacefulness! Peace, as you may recall, has been the bane of my existence but I'm seeing that I've had it all along (kind of like a scene from the Wizard of Oz?) Isn't God great in His wisdom? The fact that He allows us to stumble and learn in order to be that much more shiny when we finally make it to Heaven? Golly, I sure do like the Lord!!!

I really feel as though I should document this part of my little journey with God and my path towards happiness(contentment, peacefulness, etc.) Now, before I begin, don't get me wrong - my own happiness and all of it is NOT contingent upon someone making me happy! That is gravy over the huge, yummy pile of mashed potatoes!

Upon the completion of my last relationship, I simply had a heart-to-heart with God! I told Him that, "I give up!" and "You win!" I implored Him to take over in my life as I was finally ready to "let Him" (I'm hilarious in that I ever thought that I was doing anything but messing things up!!)So, I asked God to nudge that husband of mine in Heaven, you know, the guy sitting next to God, and get to work in my life! I agreed to dial back the interference (I couldn't exactly promise to never interfere) if they (you all know that I realize it's God running the show, right? I just like to believe that my husband, Bill, is at the foot of Christ imploring on my behalf - or at least he better be!) would help me in the dating department. My first horse out of the gate was a wonderful man but, most definitely, not who I should be dating - again, sparing the details!

I just laid it out there and gave God my deal (again with the hilarity) I needed there to be obvious signs when I've met a good and Godly man. I'm really ok if it is in God's plan that I am to remain single as my life is full with kids, family, friends, and my Faith (seriously, I mean it!) But, since I'm in this dating thing to see what's out there for me, I thought that for the first time EVER I would let God guide me. So, I said show me someone and He sent me a man named Bill! OK, not Bill the First (you know, the lucky dog sitting at the feet of Christ!) but another Bill. In God's immense humor, I wasn't sure if He was just messing with me and/or whether meeting someone named Bill meant run away or it was a neon sign saying THIS GUY!

Naturally,I had to ask God to give me another sign that this could be a good one and He did. In talking to Bill the second I found out that his birthday is October 17th! This, for past reference, is the birthday of the son in which I placed for adoption (probably the only other instance in my life where I allowed God complete control) That was a huge sign for me and I know how some would think that what's the big deal but God knows my heart and He knows how important and sacred that date is to me.

But, isn't there something about God and 3 signs - like representative of the Holy Trinity? Well, for me, it has always worked for clarity's sake to work in increments of 3 - is that arrogant or am I just thick? I needed a 3rd sign to confirm that I wasn't just "desperate" to do this relationship thing right for once. In my mind, I imagined what the 3rd sign would be and then Bill, the second, told me how he had been to Medjugorje 3 times (3!) and how it truly converted him and has saved his life! Bill the first, are you listening? These are 3 amazingly specific things that all play a huge role in my life - in the past and now!

And now, the journey has begun! I refuse to be Charlie Brown with the whole football kicking (or lack thereof) fiasco. But, I gotta tell 'ya, I'm feeling very peaceful! Stay tuned...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Life is so funny! Two days ago I blogged about how I was going to conquer doubt (that is the end result anyway) and right when I make that my goal, doubt is all up in my "kool aid"! Today brought a situation to a head that has been building for about 9 days between Murphy and me. It involves school (doesn't it always?) and it was my line in the sand 9 days ago that I was going to let Murphy sink or swim. Well, he's been treading water for about 8 of those 9 days and I've, periodically, thrown him a life preserver to float on for a bit but that preserver is gone now and his nose is beneath the water! All I can see are his green eyes and they are big and they are scared. And all I can do is watch helplessly as my son begins his science fair project drowning!

Science fair? Yes, science fair! All of this drama is in regards to a stinkin' science fair project! I realize that there are just some kids that are so laid back that nothing seems to phase them and Murphy is one of those kids. It may serve him well when bad things happen to be laid back but it won't serve him well getting through school and becoming a God-fearing young man. Nothing seems to incite him to follow through with things. Last year he had to sit out of basketball for two weeks because of a 76% in his math class. Ok! It was humiliating and I hoped that it would be a good growing experience and it was for like those exact two weeks. A year later and he has no recall of the event. Perhaps he has suffered some sort of brain injury? Not to make light of brain injuries or to wish that upon anyone but it would give me something to grasp!

Is it me? "Hello? Kelly? Yeah, it's me doubt! Yeah, I just wanted you to know that it's going to be harder than you thought to kick my ass! Now game on!" I can't help but wonder if I've been going about this parenting thing the correct way. Am I too lenient? Am I too strict? Am I too wishy-washy? Am I ? "Hello? Doubt? Ummm, yeah, it's me, Kelly! I was wondering if you could leave me alone? I'm very tired of this kick-boxing match and I'm really tired of the bruises that it leaves when each round is over."

Have you noticed a lack of Godliness in this post? And I have the audacity to label it under 'Faith formation'! I don't know how to get a re-do on parenting moments but I sure wish there was a button for them! Doubt creeps in (and he's creepy!) when I leave God out of the situation. Asking God to enter into each and every aspect of my life seems a bit much but it's exactly what I need to do in order to survive this. It's what my kids need in order to survive this!

So, excuse me as I go and pay my last respects to Murphy and his science fair project. Please pray that I follow thru and don't throw in the, ever-predictable, life preserver! Mostly, pray that Murphy gets it this time!

Watch out doubt!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

A New Year - A New Beginning!

I'm so excited by the prospect of a new year. I know that many spend that initial first few months trying to live up to some new year's resolution they've set for themselves. I decided that instead of making some grand declaration of a change of some sort that I would spend this year (and beyond) learning to love the person that I am right now! RIGHT.NOW.

This will not be an easy task for me - well, is it for anyone? I tend to see things in a hazy shade when it comes to myself. I see the colors but they are muted as though behind a veil of some sort. That veil is made up of all the little voices that I've heard my whole life. It's amazing how much more vibrant the colors become when one decides to ignore just one of those voices. The first one to ignore? Self-doubt!

I am quite capable of making decisions for myself and for my children even if (and often enough) the decisions don't turn out the way I had planned! This doesn't have to equate to failure. It is about growth! I don't know why I feel as though I get this one shot to do it right and that's it! Where is that written? I have learned so much about myself in the past year. I learned things about myself that I didn't really even know that I needed to know (does that makes sense?) Without going into much detail, (although, there are a few of you that know of which I speak) within this last year, I have stepped into the dating world!

Ummm...yeah, might I say that dating in my late 30s - way different than dating in my mid 20s! On the one hand, thank God! I wouldn't want to re-do my 20s for anything in the entire world! But, on the other hand, the dating "world" has changed immensely in the years since 1996, the year I got married. Besides the fact that I was smokin' hot in my 20s, I also was like a lost sheep looking for anyone to shepherd me home. Apparently, there are lots of willing "shepherds" at 3 am to take lost sheep home - ugh!

The good news about dating in my late 30s (I don't feel right saying just in my 30s as I'm 9 months from my 40th birthday) is that my relationship with God has grown by leaps and bounds! Does this mean that I'm no longer the lost sheep? No! It does, however, mean that I am aware that there really is, indeed, only one Shepherd in which to follow. I may take a meandering path there but I'm following the only Shepherd that I need.

So, for this first part of the new year, I'm focusing on shutting up that pesky little voice called doubt! I plan on kicking doubt's ass and moving on to it's friend named fear! Stay tuned...