Thursday, January 21, 2010

Happiness...Well, Peacefulness...Well, Contentment...

I couldn't exactly decide on what to call this particular post! Am I happy? Am I peaceful? Am I content? Well, not always any or all of these things but I have felt another shift in my life. I believe it might have to do with me finally getting out of a personal situation that I've struggled with for about 3 months. I feel badly that it has ended badly and with bitterness and sadness peppered in the mix but, I'm amazed at how I've finally realized that I.AM.NOT.RESPONSIBLE.FOR.ANYONE.ELSE'S.HAPPINESS.

It seems like such a foolish and simple thing but I have never quite grasped the concept of this fact. I can spew it all I want and I can advise others of this but to truly believe it has escaped me until I witnessed it happen! I got to see firsthand that I am not the end all for someone's happiness! I was graced to see God's Grace wash upon me in the midst of an intimidating set of circumstances. I have grown, my people (well, in this blog's case, my person), I have grown! Now don't go flipping back to ALL of the other blog entries I've written to see where else I said I've conquered something and claimed growth - not nice!

There is, indeed, a difference in this growth "spurt". I have allowed God to completely and totally take over in the process. I've asked for His guidance in handling the situation and He has given me amazing words and an abundant amount of peace. I don't know that I've ever truly allowed God to work His stuff before this moment! The 2 years after Bill's death don't count as that was all God and no amount of me in there! This time, I realized that God was allowing me to be His instrument instead of me pretending that God was my instrument and trying to handle it all by myself! What a concept, huh?

So, without throwing the other person in the situation under the bus, I will just move on to how the good Lord has been working on me lately! The Kelly from the past was always wrapped up in how everyone thought about her. I believe that's normal but the lengths in which I went about to obtain approval from anyone was not normal nor healthy! Well, after stumbling through my 20s in this self-hatred fog which led to poor, poor, POOR decisions, I've emerged, finally, from the other side of it (albeit in my late 30s) a better person.

It's sad that it sometimes takes someone else to lead you there but I can see the shiny light of true redemption and peacefulness! Peace, as you may recall, has been the bane of my existence but I'm seeing that I've had it all along (kind of like a scene from the Wizard of Oz?) Isn't God great in His wisdom? The fact that He allows us to stumble and learn in order to be that much more shiny when we finally make it to Heaven? Golly, I sure do like the Lord!!!

I really feel as though I should document this part of my little journey with God and my path towards happiness(contentment, peacefulness, etc.) Now, before I begin, don't get me wrong - my own happiness and all of it is NOT contingent upon someone making me happy! That is gravy over the huge, yummy pile of mashed potatoes!

Upon the completion of my last relationship, I simply had a heart-to-heart with God! I told Him that, "I give up!" and "You win!" I implored Him to take over in my life as I was finally ready to "let Him" (I'm hilarious in that I ever thought that I was doing anything but messing things up!!)So, I asked God to nudge that husband of mine in Heaven, you know, the guy sitting next to God, and get to work in my life! I agreed to dial back the interference (I couldn't exactly promise to never interfere) if they (you all know that I realize it's God running the show, right? I just like to believe that my husband, Bill, is at the foot of Christ imploring on my behalf - or at least he better be!) would help me in the dating department. My first horse out of the gate was a wonderful man but, most definitely, not who I should be dating - again, sparing the details!

I just laid it out there and gave God my deal (again with the hilarity) I needed there to be obvious signs when I've met a good and Godly man. I'm really ok if it is in God's plan that I am to remain single as my life is full with kids, family, friends, and my Faith (seriously, I mean it!) But, since I'm in this dating thing to see what's out there for me, I thought that for the first time EVER I would let God guide me. So, I said show me someone and He sent me a man named Bill! OK, not Bill the First (you know, the lucky dog sitting at the feet of Christ!) but another Bill. In God's immense humor, I wasn't sure if He was just messing with me and/or whether meeting someone named Bill meant run away or it was a neon sign saying THIS GUY!

Naturally,I had to ask God to give me another sign that this could be a good one and He did. In talking to Bill the second I found out that his birthday is October 17th! This, for past reference, is the birthday of the son in which I placed for adoption (probably the only other instance in my life where I allowed God complete control) That was a huge sign for me and I know how some would think that what's the big deal but God knows my heart and He knows how important and sacred that date is to me.

But, isn't there something about God and 3 signs - like representative of the Holy Trinity? Well, for me, it has always worked for clarity's sake to work in increments of 3 - is that arrogant or am I just thick? I needed a 3rd sign to confirm that I wasn't just "desperate" to do this relationship thing right for once. In my mind, I imagined what the 3rd sign would be and then Bill, the second, told me how he had been to Medjugorje 3 times (3!) and how it truly converted him and has saved his life! Bill the first, are you listening? These are 3 amazingly specific things that all play a huge role in my life - in the past and now!

And now, the journey has begun! I refuse to be Charlie Brown with the whole football kicking (or lack thereof) fiasco. But, I gotta tell 'ya, I'm feeling very peaceful! Stay tuned...

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