Gobbly-guk

I have certainly neglected pouring my thoughts on this here blog lately, sorry! Of course, my apologies are not because my huge following of readers cannot live without my thoughts and musings but the apology is directed at myself. Writing is a wonderful release for me and I have MUCH to release at this point in my life! I'm sure that this blog post is going to be full of spelling errors, grammatical errors (is it gramatical? See??), and the mother of all run-on sentences but I just need to put thoughts on "paper". So grin and bear it...please. It is graduation time in our extended household. Murphy graduates from the 8th grade this year. I am so proud of him as he is such an amazing young man. He's funny, sweet, talented, and I cannot wait to continue to watch him mature! It is a little bittersweet as all of these "end of middle/grade school" activities are at this new school. If I had to pick out kids, from his school, in a line-up, I could perhaps pick out maybe 11 boys and 2 girls. Compare this with his classmates from previous years - I coached many of the girls in volleyball and have had several of the boys over to my house. It is hard when it comes time for huge events like the May Crowning when the two 8th graders chosen are kids that I do not even recognize. I know, it's not about me and I embrace all of this as I don't want Murphy to look back and remember his nutball mother as ruining his year. It is also graduation time for Alex. He graduates from high school and moves on to KSU in the fall. It's exciting for him - he's a sweet kid and I pray he does well. With it has come the snarkiness from the ex-wife (not my ex-wife, of course!) as to how much SHE believes we should kick in for our portion (I say our because, although he is not my son, financial decisions affect me) Apparently, in her "Parent Book", college tuition is OWED to one's graduating senior. And, so given all that she has had to pay for out of pocket throughout the years (yeah, apparently, child support doesn't count) we should pay half - which is roughly $9000 a year. Really? When the amount was disputed, her response was, "Why doesn't Kelly get a job?" Are you kidding me? I would so love to stick a fork in her ear! And the saga continues... Have I mentioned how homesick I am...STILL? I repeatedly am told that it could or should take about 2 years for me to feel like this my home. 2 years??? Well, it's been 1 year and I am not an inch closer to feeling any warm and fuzzies for NE Ohio! I try, really I do. I do not sit around crying in my cereal! I volunteer for whatever I can at school; I reach out to other women that I know that stay at home, etc. I'm miserable! I miss my siblings and their children! I cry as I see pictures posted on FB of the birthday parties, graduation parties, cookouts, baseball games, or whatever that I have missed. I know that millions of people live away from their families and have made lives away from their families. I do not want to be Aunt Kelly on the phone - I want to be Aunt Kelly down the street (or at least across town) Which leads me to another thought... It is the year 2012, can we PLEASE stop tearing down other women if they choose to stay at home with kids, stay at home without kids, work away from home, work at home, have children, don't have children, have 12 children, have 3 children, on and on! I am certain that I judge people according to what I see but I always take the time before opening my big, fat mouth. I don't feel like it's my job to point out why my way is the best way and things like that. I have lovely people in my life that have all sorts of reasons for the choices they've made in their lives and I love them anyway. If I don't happen to agree with them, unless I'm asked (and, sometimes, even if I am) I SHUT UP! But, I am finding that, clearly, not everyone employs this tactic. Within the past 3 weeks, I have been mocked for being a stay-at-home mother by working mothers who do not know me and have never bothered to get to know me! The comments ranged from, "Oh, you're bored...forgot, you're a stay-at-home mom" to "I don't have the option of staying home with MY kids" UGH! We encounter choices every moment along the way and with them come consequences, both good and bad. I like being home when my kids get home from school! That is not to imply that working mothers do not enjoy it but the situation that is right for them is that mom works. I would NEVER judge my friends or family that for whatever reasons do not have children. I have never said, "If you had kids, you would know" There are obvious differences in our life experiences and would never judge someone according to my own idea of what life should be so why don't I get the same respect? I have heard the saying that "You teach people how to treat you" but how am I able to put it out there when I get judged because of my situation? It is a constant suggestion that I get a job - yep, that will take care of MY needs. I'll be more fulfilled; I'll be out of the house; I'll feel smarter and more important but, in MY heart, I feel the need to be home for my kids. Is that bad?? UGH! and UGH! I have repeatedly said this, I know that I am supposed to be in Ohio. As part of the package deal in marrying Bill, I made certain sacrifices...willingly. I can't imagine my life without him in it! I love him, every little part of him (even the crap that drives me BONKERS) So, how do I translate this real love into action? How do I continue to make a life here when he travels a ton and going to visit family is an ordeal? I am starting to see myself getting resentful. I don't want to resent Bill for this move! I continually regroup so that these feelings do not ruin my marriage because I'm in this until death - really I am! I wasn't expecting roses and rainbows and I still don't! I know that marriage is work and I'm working!! I just want to feel (I realize that feelings are not always rational so I don't usually give voice to most of these feelings) protected. I want Bill to reassure me that he's here for me and the kids! I want to feel that he would walk away from all of his connections FOR me like I did FOR him (yikes, there's that bitterness) Which leads me to this final thought... I force myself to pray each and every day. I say "force" because it isn't always easy to communicate with my Loving Father when I feel so unlovable! I know! This has been a constant path for me. My emotions toward God have not changed - they are as deep and as beautiful as always but the disconnect comes from my end. This is why I "force" myself to pray. I want to always stay connected with God and I always will. At the end of the day (heck, at the end of my life) I realize it will be me at Christ's feet pleading for His mercy and I know that He will give it to me as He has every other moment in my life! I also realize that by going to God with my struggles every day, He will bring me through it! And, he has!! With that, I am done... whew

L.A.Z.Y.

Gosh, I have been so lazy with this blogging thing! It doesn't help that my computer, once again, is virus-prone and now doesn't let me even log on to the internet, ugh! I ask so little and the internet was one of the few ways that I was able to feel somewhat connected to, well, anything!! Perhaps, that's the true lesson here? Perhaps the lesson that I am being shown, among many, is that I need to focus my attention on my life HERE. I, somehow, need to embrace my life as an Ohioan (I refuse to say that I am a Buckeye!!!!) But, how to do that?

How to do this when there are days that I am so lonely for friendship that I can barely breathe? Too dramatic? Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic but I want to be able to dive head-first into my/our life here and it's difficult when I'm either the new girl sitting alone in the cafeteria or the poor girl with her nose pressed up against the window at the toy store. Neither scenario is really a place that I've ever been. Except once...

Only once have I experienced a worse case of loneliness. It was roughly 12 years ago that I was a new mother of 2 in a 3rd floor apartment with only 1 car. I had returned to Ft. Wayne, IN - back to the scene of some horrible choices and horrible times of my college career. Sure, I met some great friends and my sister was there with me but college was a dark time for me in so many ways. And, yet, here I was again in THIS city as a married mother of a 2 year old and a newborn. The hubby worked all of the time and when he wasn't working, he wasn't home very often. I was forced to function on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night as my daughter had trouble sleeping at night so I was up all night with her and then had to entertain my 2 year old son during the day with no napping during the day. Any friends that I had in college had since moved away except for a few and even if I wanted to meet up with them, I had no vehicle in which to do it.

I describe this particular period of time because as lonely as I am here and now, I am very thankful and very blessed that I have the beautiful kids and the wonderful husband that I do at this moment. I can look back at that terribly awful (seriously, one of the lowest times of my life despite the fact that I love, love, loved my babies) time and realize that I have much to be thankful for now! Again, I am thankful for my husband - who when is not work IS home with the kids and me. I am thankful that my 3 beautiful children are super smart in school, wonderful athletes, kind, and thoughtful. I am thankful that I have a car and the ability to get around if I need to do so. I am thankful that I am not 29 years old (as I was then) and that at 41 I'm a little more secure in the person that God wants me to be and that I can remind myself more easily that I do not require the external things like weekend plans or family down the street to make me whole. I do not require anything except the love of God and family and I have those in abundance!!

So, yes, because I am human I do sometimes feel like that little girl left out of the slumber party but it does not define me as it once did! I just need to work on not airing everything out via Facebook or via texts or whatever technological device is handy. Winning the race is much sweeter when you've tasted the pitfalls of defeat once or twice (or thrice - thrice?)

Fatherless

I know that this post will seem sappy and sad but it's more intended to be the mindless wonderings of a girl lacking some serious sleep! It's that time of year again. Father's day has arrived again with the same old confusion. How do we "celebrate" father's day as fatherless children? We aren't sad and we aren't feeling sorry for ourselves, we just don't know how to acknowledge the 1000 pound elephant in the room. We've made our cards for the men in our lives - Uncle Joe, Uncle Kevin, my Dad, etc. but there's always that pause when people realize there are fatherless kids in the room. It's ok, really! We'll spend it like we have the past three years (inevitably at the ballpark on a 90 degree day) together! We'll trudge through this one day set aside to honor fathers and Monday will poke its ugly head to begin another week.

Then come the big questions! You see, father's day is just any day. It's the odd Wednesday or the emotional Friday that throws me for a loop. I've felt like the biggest tool of a mother. Take back my hardware for Mother of the Year...Wait! What? I never won that? Shocker! My 12 year old son is hormonal and is in a constant stew about something unless he's doing what HE wants to do. Heaven forbid I ask the kid to shower, brush his teeth, unload the dishes, or strip the sheets off his bed! Holy Hannah, you'd think that I just pantsed him in front of a bus full of a cheerleaders! Heck, three months ago I could have pantsed him in front of a bus full of cheerleaders and he wouldn't have cared! Now? I dare not even claim to be his mother around certain people. Just ask me how much I respect THAT boundary! Answer is, I don't! I pour it on even more (I guess I don't need to wonder why he doesn't seem to love me anymore!) He's a great kid...to everyone else! I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. We've officially broken up and I'm the only one crushed by the whole thing. Him? Not so much - or, better yet, not at all! Sniff...sniff...sniff!

So, begging your pardon for my lack of reverence for this day, I'd prefer to skip father's day and bring on Monday!

I love my father, by the way! He's the best and he's always been there for all of his kids! He's now an amazing grandfather and my kids would be lost without him! He certainly fills so many voids in terms of my fatherless children. I could write a book on the amazing men in my life from my brothers to my brother-in-law to my friends and now to the newest man in our life. I'm very blessed to have wonderful people in my life that show my kids (and myself) that there are great men that are also great coaches, great husbands, great priests, and great fathers. The biggest example of this is my Heavenly Father!

Putting aside my cynicism, if for a brief moment, Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day