So Much...

I'm not sure where the time has gone! In 18 short days, I will become Mrs. William White!! I am overwhelmed with all of the newness that is approaching. I love my future husband so much that my toes tingle! I am humbled and grateful and blessed and excited at becoming Bill's wife. I am truly honored to be gifted again with the opportunity to share in the sacrament of Marriage. When Bill 1 (as Keagan calls him) died, I really thought that my life as a wife was over. I was perfectly content in being a mother to my beautiful kids but God had other plans for me and planted Bill 2 deep into my heart. Ooooh, I just can't wait!

With this amazing gift comes many changes! Moving 273 miles away is very intimidating to me. I've never really lived away from my family. I don't count college because that time was spent with my sister and I was usually at the bars or at class. I also lived away for 2 years when Murphy and Briege were very little and that almost caused me to have a nervous break-down. Maybe it is that memory that is causing much of my anxiety?? I just continually go back to my prayers and trust that God will honor the process and my obedience to His Will. I truly feel God calling me to cling to my husband (future husband) and trust that "If God has led me to it, He will lead me through it" If only I was as strong and as faithful as I pretend to be to the world!!

So, back to packing and cleaning and planning and paying. I look forward to finally be done with this chapter and getting to live my life as Mrs. William White. It's a hard statement to make because I'm so sad to be leaving my family and my friends but I'm very excited to make new friends with my new (and existing) family in a new city.

Seriously?

Honestly, I don't know that I deserve to be a mother. There are times, like today, that I cannot believe the unreasonable and mean things that come out of my mouth! I know there is something that takes over and then I spend the rest of the day or week or month replaying the scenario in my head only to come to the conclusion that my kids might be better off without me. Especially my daughter. She's so unbelievably special and kind-hearted and sweet and helpful and patient and tender and, yet, I seem to reserve my anger for her because I look at her as everything I should be and I'm not! Yeah, that's certainly sick - I know! I see her look at me with the greatest love even though I'm yelling at her for not hanging her clothes on a hanger. I know that there is nothing wrong with correcting her when she needs it but for not hanging up her clothes? All she'd have to do is take a gander at her mother's room and see I don't even like to do it! Yet, I continue like some sort of delusional idiot until I feel some sort of sick satisfaction over the whole thing. But, what I think is sick satisfaction is not satisfaction at all...it is a humongous sense of remorse and shame.

I'm all these kids have in the way of a parent and I get caught up in the whole concept of what it means for me. It is a huge amount of pressure, yes, but it could also be a huge opportunity to be a rock star! Not in the "I want my kids to be my friends" kind of a way but more like as an example of Christian living. I'm all but sure that the example I gave my daughter this morning looked nothing like a shining example of anything but cruelty! Why? Because she didn't hang up her clothes and her toys were not put away nicely? And that means what? It means more work for me? Oh brother! That second cup of milk that Keagan wants at lunch time irritates me why? Because it means I'd have to stuff away my own selfish want to sit and eat my own lunch? Holy cow, get over it!

This all happens smack dab in the middle of Christmas time. A time of waiting until we celebrate the glorious gift of Jesus' birth. I've been reading a lot about the journey of the Holy Family and what Joseph must have endured. I wonder if he went nuts over clothes not being hung up in the closets? He was probably a little more concerned about finding shelter for the Savior and the Blessed Mother but let's not split hairs, right? UGH!

Rocky River

I'm ready to move! I'm ready to begin my life in a new city with the man that I shall call my husband (if THAT ever happens) I've really struggled trying to make these statements feel real in my heart and they are beginning to take root. Worrying about furniture placement, schools, leaving family and friends, and the like all pale in comparison to how much I love Bill. I'd truly be willing to follow him anywhere (don't tell him that as he'd like to move somewhere off the grid and I don't do "off the grid")

For me, this is all a matter of trust. I need to trust that Bill will not abandon me in a new city for long periods at a time with only our house and my kids to keep me company. I've been down that road before and it, quite literally, almost killed me. So, I'm trying desperately to trust that this will be new and not a repeat of things in the past. I need to trust that I will make a new life for our family in the beautiful city of Rocky River and that it won't be left to just me and the kids vs. the big, bad, unknown town. I've been down that road as well and I am terrified of where it led me/us.

I just need to trust. It is required for the health and well-being of my children, my future husband, and myself for me to trust.

I trust...I trust...I trust...

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane (well a jet plane, then a boat, then a train, then a plane again)

Well, my countdown is about ready to expire! I've been counting down until my Alaskan cruise for the past 63 days and now it's here! Now it's confession time! Are you all ready for it? I'm a homebody! There, I said it! I don't like to sleep in any other bed except for my own - well, maybe the Ritz-Carlton wouldn't be so bad but who am I kidding, I've never been there either! I've never been west of Chicago (do the western suburbs of Chicago count as going west?) I've only been on an airplane 4 times in my whole life and I've never been on a train or a boat.

Enter all of the emotions! I've been a mess today! I'm freaking out because I need to mow, I need to clean the house, I need to grocery shop, I need to jot down all kid activities, I need to change the linens on the bed, I need... This is all a cover-up to hide the fact that I'm going to miss my kids! I've never been away from them for longer than 2 days! I like being in charge of everything, despite the fact that, at times, I hate being in charge of everything! I'm terrified that when I leave, the kids will be better off with their aunts, uncle, and grandparents than they were with me! Will my toilet be clean enough to trick people into thinking that I am this tidy and organized all of the time? Don't even get me started on the bed linens! I'm confessing (another confession?) that I don't sleep with a top sheet but I will make all of the beds with their top sheets so that the rumor doesn't get out that I'm a barbarian! Don't tell anyone, please!!!!!!!

It is more clear, after re-reading this post, that if ever there was a time that I needed a vacation it is now! Just with the ridiculous amounts of exclamation points it is apparent that I'm a little wound up and could use some vacation time. My thing is that I never feel like I deserve it. I can think of other people that kill themselves being the end all be/all for everyone. I know of one of my friends that is the mother of 3 boys (ugh! The stink!!) who takes care of everything and has a husband out of work (so, that means 4 boys at home) and still manages to me make me laugh all of the time. She could use a cruise to Alaska! I have another friend who is the mother of 3 kids that gives and gives and finally can't take it anymore because she's put up this front that she's the caretaker when all she wants to do is be taken care of a time or two. She could use a cruise to Alaska! I could go on and on thinking of every friend that I know of that deserves this more than I do. But, I'm going, darn it!! I really need this and I'm very excited but so nervous!

Please pray for a safe journey for B, his family, and myself! I can't wait to spend some alone time with B - without the pressures of kids, work, cell phones, family, sports, etc. I sure hope he likes "Mellow Kelly" because I'm not sure I've seen her in a very long time!