Thursday, March 4, 2010
I have been grappling with something big this week. I've been trying to figure out if true happiness can be seen on the outside when the feelings originate and blossom (ick, hate that word) on the inside? I know it really seems like a fluff and flutter kind of a thing but I'm so frickin' happy that this is where my brain is lately. I've been happy before but it always seem to lead to a tremendous let down and I attribute it to me trying to stuff my square peg of happiness in to a round hole out of desperation. The bottom line is that I have tried my entire life to figure out how to have peace and happiness and I always felt like I was so faithful and that I asked God to help me but it hasn't been until the past few years that I've finally listened to Him.
Again, as I've said in many of my other posts, I realize how dopey I was/am to not get that connection between true happiness and the Divine Healer - Jesus! I'm sure some have looked at me and thought that I was "one of those girls" that needed a man to be happy. Perhaps they're right in some aspects. I have always felt called to be a wife and a mother. I know that many others have this same calling and for whatever reason they either are still single or remain childless. This doesn't mean that their calling is/was not for that purpose. I don't pretend to know the workings of God and why He chooses some to carry heavier crosses than others. I do know that my cross has been way lighter now that I have truly allowed God to work miracles in my life.
My boyfriend,(ugh, that sounds so high school but I don't want to call him my significant other because that sounds so, well, insignificant) Bill, has re-shown me the tremendous gifts that are to be had while submitting to God's Will. This sounds so simple and so 3rd grade but to see it in action is incredible! To share it with such a Godly man is beyond words. He has repaired in my heart a hole left by the loss of my husband and my children's father. A hole that was left despite the overwhelming love that I have felt from family, friends, and from God Himself the past 3 years.
I'm failing at conveying my true happiness but, if you see me, please just be happy for me and don't go calling me "one of those girls" Although, if you do call me that, I won't care as I'll skip right along with my Rosary beads into the arms of the man that I love!!!