Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Sometimes I can't believe how my kids can have me floating on a cloud one minute and hurt, angry, disappointed... in the next moment. I am sure that I did (and still do) this to my own parents a time or two but I can't remember how they handled it. I recall getting grounded a time or two and getting a look from my dad that was worse than being grounded but I wish that I could recall the situation from their perspective.
I never feel like I'm a grown-up! I feel like it when I have to pay my bills and do household "stuff" but when it comes to discipline and adult things, I am always looking over my shoulder to see what I should do. Am I too lenient? Am I too strict? Do I correct the kids in public or do I wait until we're in private? All this and more and then I'm left with wondering why I feel like crap now that I am on the receiving end of my son's (yeah, it seems to be one son in particular - and not the one you think) disrespect.
Did my mother feel like this when we kids hurt her? Did she want to kick us in the shins and just drive off into the sunset? Did she want to go tattle on us to a higher authority? Because, I am feeling this way! It's frustrating on many levels but I am trying to discern if my son (you know the one)is testing me because it's just me and I don't have Dad for some tag-team. I also wonder if I am too available, you know? I attend as many events as I can because I enjoy watching my children perform in sports, put on a play on stage, or just interact with their friends. I have tried to not create a situation where they are dependent on me to be at everything because I want them to thrive with a sense of independence. I'm just not sure what's going to happen next and how to deal with the things when they do happen.
I often observe other boys, with their mothers in particular. There is one boy who is just very even-tempered and he has that relationship with his mother too. I really admire her approach to parenting. She is hands-on when she needs to be but she always knows when to be hands-off. She is the mother of 3 boys (holy crap, 3 boys!) and yet, manages to maintain a healthy balance of discipline, silence, gentleness, and humor that I can't seem to do. I wish she'd write a book because she's who I want to be when I grow-up - whenever that is!
As for right now, I'm going to pray that I get over the urge to kick the shins! Serenity, now!!!