Tuesday, November 18, 2008


After reflecting some more about my day and my week, I really need to vent! I am really struggling why God chose me to be a widow. I ask this not because I want to be spared from the pain of losing my husband and I definitely don't want another person to go through this pain. I ask because I really suck at it! Truly! The "widow" part is easy - I'm single, so what! But it's the single with children part that kills me! I know millions of women do it and some do it alone even though they're married or they have the support of the fathers. I know! I know! I just don't understand God's wisdom in this path for ME. What good can possibly come from my poor kids being stuck with this drill seargant for a mother? It really has been ticking me off lately! I truly believe that God has a plan and that gets me through each and every tough moment but I often question His choice in me as that widow.
I can hear the voices of my loved ones telling me that I am too hard on myself and I know that I am. However, I do come from this in a rational manner! I really and truly just don't get what it is that is inside me that God thought that I could handle this! I am strong, I am faithful, I am dedicated, I am humble BUT... I am frustrated, I am tired, I am flawed, I am angry, I am confused, I am...
I am struck as I re-read this post before saving it, the answers are all right before me! Instead of questioning why, I should obey God and carry on in righteousness and in faithfulness. Obedience! In my neglected reading of I Believe in Love I just read a chapter on "Great Desires, Humility, and Peace" and a few things jumped out at me that I am only now recalling; 1st -> "The majority of hurts, offended feelings, grudges, and bitternesses in life with others come from this obsession with our rights, this need for esteem, so strongly woven into our self. He who honestly puts himself in the last place is not astonished when others put him there, too." So true - it is my own need for esteem that points out how "unfair" life is!; 2nd -> "The Word became flesh. He shed His Blood to the last drop in order to save us. Yes, that is true; but He did this in order to obey His Father, and by this loving obedience, to carry out the immolation of His Sacrifice." If Jesus, being unblemished and perfect obeys His Father, why shouldn't I obey the Father? I need to just trust and obey. Isn't this what we want from our own children? "Stop asking why and just do as I say!" How many times I've yelled this!! Yet, I am behaving like my own children! Obedience because HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME!!!! Ok, I feel better... sorry about the little outburst at the beginning of my post but I still do kind of wonder what it is exactly I'm supposed to do in this role God has laid out for me. OBEDIENCE!!!!

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