Tuesday, October 4, 2011
You'd think given the fact that I live in a town where I really know no one that I'd have gobs of time to write or at least post pictures on this here blog!! Yikes! I'm really struggling finding anything worth posting. Of course, I could brag about my kids and their successes in sports and in school (don't worry, I will!) but I'm feeling so blah that nothing seems worthy of wasting your time!
This move has been so hard! The obvious person that everyone asks about is Murphy! I totally get how it must have stunk for him to move away from family and friends in his 8th grade year! It did stink and, many times, it DOES stink! I feel for him but he's a gifted athlete with a great personality so he just effortlessly fits in anywhere he goes. That's a wonderful thing so it's hard for me when people ask me how Murphy is doing. My response is usually, "Murphy-Shmurphy" I say that with a thankful heart and I also say that knowing that his little heart breaks when he talks to his SB friends on Facebook or via text. I see his face fall and tears well when family come for a visit and then there comes the inevitable good-bye. Each time, I see the little boy that he really is even though in the next minute he looks like the young man that he's becoming! It's such a roller coaster of emotions all wrapped up in the 6'1" body of my almost 14 year old son.
Then there's sweet and kind, Briege. She dare not voice her anger or her displeasure at moving away from HER friends and her family. She doesn't want to add to anyone else's stress by chiming in with her heart-ache at leaving her Nana and Papa. She will let certain things slip, however. She'll quietly express her fear about the possibility that her Nana (both of them) or Papa will die and we won't be there with them. She will have big, quiet tears spilling on her cheeks as we say goodbye to Aunt Megan or Aunt Kerry or Cousin Colin (etc) She will whisper her miseries to her Nana so as not to upset Bill or me. I try my hardest to encourage her to share her feelings with us but she sees how much we're all trying to make a home here in Ohio and wants to be mommy's brave girl. She is that and so much more!
Keagan! Well, Keagan is a bundle of electric (and loud) energy! He forgets about SB because he's blissfully 6 (almost 7) It allows his mind and his heart to embrace the newness of Ohio without feeling such a loss of moving away from everything familiar. That is, until family come to visit. To see him dissolve into tears of joy when he sees a surprise guest from back home walk in our door is too much for me to bear. To see him dread the dawning of morning because he knows it will soon be time to give hugs and kisses of good-bye reminds me of all this little, funny, pistol of a kid has been through in his short life.
Don't get me wrong, my emotions are a bit raw right now because we just had family from SB here and the house is so darn quiet! Monday came and with it came sports practices, loads (and loads) of homework, grocery shopping, showers, baths, story time, and nighttime prayers. Then came Tuesday and so on... I guess, it's much easier to give voice to my children's emotions of the past few months because they very much mirror my own. I'm very sad and very homesick but hate to show it because then I seem weak or like I'm not trying to make a life here. I am one of those people that thrives on my friendships, and my church life, and my family. To have all 3 of these things now 273 miles away, it's difficult. I, however, would follow my husband to Siberia if it meant spending my life with him. I don't want to be apart from him and us staying in SB meant seeing him only on the weekends and I want more for my kids and for myself and for Bill than a part-time family. Yes, it would have meant that I still have my friends, my church, my family but I would be losing out on having my husband and the only father my kids have by my side.
I know it's only been 2 months but I just don't know how to meet people here. I'm not kidding, every person that I've met have lived here their entire lives which can sometimes translate as "No new friends needed, thank you" I volunteer in school but the moms already know each other and they spend their volunteer time huddled together recounting their GNO from last Thursday and I just spend it with the kiddos and realize that it's important for the kids that I'm there for them and not to fulfill some sort of friend quota that I might have. Throw in the fact that I have a torn hamstring/pinched nerve/back issues (not sure what it is) which prevents me from exercising (well, walking) and getting out there. That only continues the spiral of depressing thoughts and boredom which then makes the snowball bigger!
I remember before we moved listening to a radio program with a woman that was talking about how traumatic it was for her when she and her family moved when she was 14 and then the trauma was equally as bad when she and her husband moved when she was 40! She encourage those of us in similar situations to cleave to God. To use this time to rely solely on God as our everything. Perhaps, if nothing else, it is an opportunity for us to "clear out our closets" and get rid of distractions and just totally trust in the Lord for all. Yeah, easier said than done, right? I am trying so hard to just let God work His miracles in my life and I see them every day in the smiles of my kids, the gentleness of my husband, the comfort of His presence. I just need to work harder.