Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Happy birthday to my wonderful, sweet, hard-working, understanding, gentle, goofy, funny, helpful, band-geek of a husband!! There are times that I question whether all of this heart-ache and change was worth it. I also wonder if I didn't rush into getting married as all of the adjustment and anguish has been unbearable, at times. Then Bill grabs my face and kisses me just because he thought my freckles were cute at that moment or he'll do his morning dance (and it is a site to see!!) or Bill will send me a very sweet text calling me is beautiful bride and it is those moments that remind me that it was all worth it! There was no rushing into this marriage as I truly cannot imagine my life without him in it!
Bill shares his birthday with my first-born son. 21 years ago, today, I gave birth to a sweet and beautiful baby boy. I don't know what color his hair is and I don't even know whether he is tall and skinny like his brother or if he's tall and a little more muscular (yeah, I'm calling it muscular) like his mother. I do know that I can remember his face like it was yesterday. I remember his smell and his cry and his strength in his little finger as I held him for the last time. I remember the heart-ache and the anguish as I rode that Memorial Hospital elevator for the last time empty-handed.
I also remember the look of joy and awe on his new mommy and daddy's face as the papers were finalized. I can still feel the compassion in the hug of his new mommy's hug when she thanked me and then cried. I remember the mixture of emotions that I experienced walking out of that office as I realized that my son was no longer "my son" I remember wondering where does one go after finalizing adoption papers as the birth mother? There was no party and there was no dinner and there was no gathering. Not because people didn't care but because what was the proper thing to do.
What also was very present during this whole process was the loving embrace of my Heavenly Father and the most Blessed Mother. To have gone through any of that would have been impossible without my spiritual connection to them both. It may not have made all of the pain go away but it made all of the pain make sense. It gave the pain a purpose and, for that, I'm blessed.
To now have married such an amazing man who shares the birthday of a son that I may never meet, is truly a gift beyond what I deserve. God continually dazzles me with His blatant love for me!! The story of my first son, Joseph Kelly, and then the gift of my second son, Joseph Murphy, along with the unbelievable gift of grace that is my daughter, Briege Marie, followed by my gift of joy and happiness, Keagan Christopher, are enough to overwhelm me time and time again! None of it would make sense without the addition of William Scott White into all of our lives!
Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the gifts in my life! They are abundant and they are rich! Thank you, thank you, thank you!