Friday, May 28, 2010

Melancholy



I've been feeling quite melancholic the past few days. I can't put my finger on the reason(s) behind the emotions and I'm trying to give myself permission to have days like this without having to justify it. I've been thinking quite a bit about the baby that I placed for adoption. I'm not sure what has triggered the sudden influx of thoughts about him. It may be because I have a nephew that is roughly Joseph's age and he's graduating from high school this year. Or, it may be because my youngest son "graduated" from Pre-K and now moves on to all day kindergarten (ALL.DAY.) It may be because I watched Oprah (that darned Oprah!) and her show was all about reunions. The thoughts and feelings about Joseph came to a head as I watched reunited birth mothers and adopted children. Oddly enough, none of them were boys. All of the children being reunited were girls/women. It gave me pause...

Joseph is 19 1/2 years old and I've longed for him to suddenly have this strong desire to find me. I've prayed for it secretly. I don't dare to proclaim this desire for fear of rejection or for fear that it makes me seem vulnerable and not so tough. It's weird being a birth mother. I'm not sure where I fit when it comes to it all. Now that I have children of my own, I understand the protective nature of being a mother - whether that child comes from within your own womb or from the womb of someone else, it doesn't matter - so I can relate to the fear, the vulnerability of potentially having to "share" my child with someone else. So, what to do with the motherly desires to see and hold my first born child? Is it ok to have such desires? Why do I feel like I'm cheating on Murphy when I call Joseph my first born child? Why do I feel like I'm coveting a bond that isn't mine to desire? What do I do with these emotions?

Is it little of me to want someone to comfort me over this? Does it diminish the sacrifice if I am sad or I get wistful? With whom do I share any of this? I have no one to share in these emotions because there really is no one that can understand. I know I can seek out a support group or talk to a counselor/therapist but I just want someone that I love to help me through this because they just know what it's like. I know it's been 19 1/2 years, get over it, right? Why are these emotions surfacing?

I want someone to tell me it's ok for me to seek information about Joseph. I want someone to tell me that they'll be there for me every step of the way. I don't want any more people to tell me that it would be better if I waited for him to contact me in case I get hurt or rejected. Maybe I'd take the hurt and the rejection over the not knowing. I just want to take a peek at his little face. I just want to smell his hair. I just want to kiss his cheeks. I just want to tell him that he is and has always been loved. I just want to know what he has thought about me these past 19 1/2 years. I just want...

I'll wait until he seeks me. That's what a mother does, she waits.


Psalm 40
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

2 comments:

kroeder said...

I can't believe it's been almost 20 years! Sooo sorry you're hurting. I'm praying for you to find peace while you wait. Love ya!

Dorrie said...

Powerful post, Kells. You have a singular way of finding words for your emotions. I could feel your pain through your words.

It's okay to mourn this...never make yourself feel like you HAVE to stop mourning.

I miss you and am sending you hugs and prayers.