You know, I take my Catholic beginnings for granted! I admire my newly converted Catholic friends. I long to experience their "newness" at every corner; their wonder and their awe at finally being home in their journey; their eagerness to receive the body and blood of Christ. I love my Catholic tradition and upbringing but I wish there was something like RCIA for us cradle Catholics. It is a lot of work to renew the fire of one's faith. It seems so daunting yet, it's worth it in the end, isn't it?
It's much like a marriage and that seems like what my relationship with the Lord has come to mean to me. I have been thinking about that vocation a lot. I think about what it would take to be a bride of Christ. I know that we are all called to love the Lord as He is our bridegroom, but what does it mean to answer the dramatic call to be a true bride of Christ? I've been quite scared to even mutter the question to myself because I'm not sure of my motives in it. Am I discerning the call to remain single (and celibate) because I'm afraid of what it might take to open myself to the dating world? Are my motives selfish because they may deprive my children of a father-figure in their lives? It all, almost, seems ridiculous because I don't even believe that I am worthy to be "married" to God.
This, of course, brings me back to my personal retreat with St. Therese in I Believe in Love. I gotta tell ya', I truly feel that this book was written with me in mind! I know that my friend, (trying to come up with a clever pseudonym...Coppertone? Sunshine? Martha? Hero? No, Dorrie) also believes the same thing as she reads it too! I often wonder if I even know how to pray about things like this. It isn't easy to discern one's vocation/calling/path but I have been trying to take this little piece of advice from my favorite "go-to" book: "Pray with gentleness and humility; calm the passions; ask for light. You will be judged by God on the purity of your intentions." I'm always in a sure-fire hurry to have the answers now and I forget the beauty in waiting on God. What a lesson in patience and obedience it is to just wait. An art that I am, clearly, not well versed.
So, I shall continue to pray about my vocation/calling/path (vocation seems so fancy or formal) I will also pray for patience, peace, and acceptance - all 3 of which have escaped me all of these years, just ask my kids :)
ps. I have been refraining from blogging about the ND debacle! I will, have no fear! I just want to see it play out a bit more before I put my own opinion out there for all to see. As if people don't already know what my position is!