L.A.Z.Y.

Gosh, I have been so lazy with this blogging thing! It doesn't help that my computer, once again, is virus-prone and now doesn't let me even log on to the internet, ugh! I ask so little and the internet was one of the few ways that I was able to feel somewhat connected to, well, anything!! Perhaps, that's the true lesson here? Perhaps the lesson that I am being shown, among many, is that I need to focus my attention on my life HERE. I, somehow, need to embrace my life as an Ohioan (I refuse to say that I am a Buckeye!!!!) But, how to do that?

How to do this when there are days that I am so lonely for friendship that I can barely breathe? Too dramatic? Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic but I want to be able to dive head-first into my/our life here and it's difficult when I'm either the new girl sitting alone in the cafeteria or the poor girl with her nose pressed up against the window at the toy store. Neither scenario is really a place that I've ever been. Except once...

Only once have I experienced a worse case of loneliness. It was roughly 12 years ago that I was a new mother of 2 in a 3rd floor apartment with only 1 car. I had returned to Ft. Wayne, IN - back to the scene of some horrible choices and horrible times of my college career. Sure, I met some great friends and my sister was there with me but college was a dark time for me in so many ways. And, yet, here I was again in THIS city as a married mother of a 2 year old and a newborn. The hubby worked all of the time and when he wasn't working, he wasn't home very often. I was forced to function on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night as my daughter had trouble sleeping at night so I was up all night with her and then had to entertain my 2 year old son during the day with no napping during the day. Any friends that I had in college had since moved away except for a few and even if I wanted to meet up with them, I had no vehicle in which to do it.

I describe this particular period of time because as lonely as I am here and now, I am very thankful and very blessed that I have the beautiful kids and the wonderful husband that I do at this moment. I can look back at that terribly awful (seriously, one of the lowest times of my life despite the fact that I love, love, loved my babies) time and realize that I have much to be thankful for now! Again, I am thankful for my husband - who when is not work IS home with the kids and me. I am thankful that my 3 beautiful children are super smart in school, wonderful athletes, kind, and thoughtful. I am thankful that I have a car and the ability to get around if I need to do so. I am thankful that I am not 29 years old (as I was then) and that at 41 I'm a little more secure in the person that God wants me to be and that I can remind myself more easily that I do not require the external things like weekend plans or family down the street to make me whole. I do not require anything except the love of God and family and I have those in abundance!!

So, yes, because I am human I do sometimes feel like that little girl left out of the slumber party but it does not define me as it once did! I just need to work on not airing everything out via Facebook or via texts or whatever technological device is handy. Winning the race is much sweeter when you've tasted the pitfalls of defeat once or twice (or thrice - thrice?)

Christmas 2011 - Part 1

In a perfect world, my house would look like one of these pictures! Alas, I haven't begun to decorate. Heck, I haven't even located all of my Christmas decorations! They have grown legs and are now hiding from me since our move to Ohio in August! It's a cruel, cruel joke that I cannot find them! And just a friendly FYI: when packing for a move in the hot, stinkin' summer months, do not assume that you will NOT need things for winter like shovels, boots, or, ahem, your pre-lit Christmas tree!

So brings on the 2011 Christmas dilemma: To stay or not to stay?

I realize that I am not the first person in the history of the world to move away from family. I know that others have had to deal with how to handle the holidays - whether to stay or go. This would be the first Christmas that I wouldn't be with my extended family, E.V.E.R. I know how important it is for my kids to spend time with their many cousins and their grandparents and so we're trying to find a way to get it all in there while also being able to spend quality time with our immediate family. Here's the heart-breaker for me - I want nothing more than to spend time with my family members and their families but I cannot fathom the idea of not having the kiddos run out from the bedrooms to the Christmas tree to see if Santa came. Sure, we could do that while staying with my parents but it's their tree and it's their house. Does this mean that we forgo even getting a tree for our new house this year?

I keep telling myself that, in the end, it just won't matter. All that matters is that we are together and have kept our eyes (at least one good one) on the reason behind all of the hoopla! I love the sacredness and the quiet of Advent. I love anticipating the glorious day of the birth of our Savior! I love the Christmas Mass with all of its lights shining and joyful music blaring and, most especially, the Eucharist being front and center at this most special time! In the end, I do know that the rest is just gravy. It won't matter where we wake up on Christmas morning of 2011. If, after reflection, we see that our plan didn't seem to work out, then we change it up for next year. I sometimes get caught up in all of the bigness of the day and lose sight of the little things!

I think I'll start with finding my Advent wreath and other mysteriously absent decorations! Perhaps our house will, one day, look like the pictures at the top of this blog post. Or, maybe not :)

Happy Advent!

Keagan's 7th Birthday!!

I am so happy that today I get to celebrate my youngest son's birthday! I have had this love/hate thing with Halloween forever. I've always been afraid of creepy, crawly things and I don't like things that tend to conjure of subjects that deal with evil or satan or whatever so to finally have a reason to celebrate this day properly is a joy!! Keagan has given us the reason to dress up and go trick-or-treating for a purpose. No longer is it part of "spooky Halloween" - it is now just something we do before we have birthday cake and open presents.

Thank you, God, for my funny, sweet, lovable, smart, and goofy Keagan! He has been the perfect addition to our already amazing family!! Again, I am so blessed to call myself this little punk's mommy :)

Beautiful Briege!

Today is sweet, sweet Briege's 12th birthday!! Man, I sure love this kid! I know I've mentioned this before but she truly is a blessing to me (to us all) She is kind-hearted, funny, giving, generous, sweet, gentle, creative, and beautiful! Many people just don't see all of these things in her very quickly because she's reserved (I'd say shy) and doesn't like to draw attention to herself right away. But, I wish I could shake some of the girls at her new school - you know, the ones that look down their noses at her because she's not like them. She's wonderfully freckled and has untamed red hair. She's quirky and has a very tender heart. She'd rather have a super best friend than several mediocre friends. She so wants to wear a polka-dotted beret (or other kinds of funky clothing) but feels as though the kids already think she's different so she doesn't. On "Funky Sock Day" she made her own decorative socks because that was fun only to go to school and have girls make fun of her for having them. Gosh, how did I get off on this tangent??

I just love, love, love my sweet Briege! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the gift of her life! I pray that I may protect her and show her how unbelivably loved she is at all times! Happy birthday, my lovely Briege!!

2 B-Days

Happy birthday to my wonderful, sweet, hard-working, understanding, gentle, goofy, funny, helpful, band-geek of a husband!! There are times that I question whether all of this heart-ache and change was worth it. I also wonder if I didn't rush into getting married as all of the adjustment and anguish has been unbearable, at times. Then Bill grabs my face and kisses me just because he thought my freckles were cute at that moment or he'll do his morning dance (and it is a site to see!!) or Bill will send me a very sweet text calling me is beautiful bride and it is those moments that remind me that it was all worth it! There was no rushing into this marriage as I truly cannot imagine my life without him in it!

Bill shares his birthday with my first-born son. 21 years ago, today, I gave birth to a sweet and beautiful baby boy. I don't know what color his hair is and I don't even know whether he is tall and skinny like his brother or if he's tall and a little more muscular (yeah, I'm calling it muscular) like his mother. I do know that I can remember his face like it was yesterday. I remember his smell and his cry and his strength in his little finger as I held him for the last time. I remember the heart-ache and the anguish as I rode that Memorial Hospital elevator for the last time empty-handed.

I also remember the look of joy and awe on his new mommy and daddy's face as the papers were finalized. I can still feel the compassion in the hug of his new mommy's hug when she thanked me and then cried. I remember the mixture of emotions that I experienced walking out of that office as I realized that my son was no longer "my son" I remember wondering where does one go after finalizing adoption papers as the birth mother? There was no party and there was no dinner and there was no gathering. Not because people didn't care but because what was the proper thing to do.

What also was very present during this whole process was the loving embrace of my Heavenly Father and the most Blessed Mother. To have gone through any of that would have been impossible without my spiritual connection to them both. It may not have made all of the pain go away but it made all of the pain make sense. It gave the pain a purpose and, for that, I'm blessed.

To now have married such an amazing man who shares the birthday of a son that I may never meet, is truly a gift beyond what I deserve. God continually dazzles me with His blatant love for me!! The story of my first son, Joseph Kelly, and then the gift of my second son, Joseph Murphy, along with the unbelievable gift of grace that is my daughter, Briege Marie, followed by my gift of joy and happiness, Keagan Christopher, are enough to overwhelm me time and time again! None of it would make sense without the addition of William Scott White into all of our lives!

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the gifts in my life! They are abundant and they are rich! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Happy 14th birthday, Murphy!

Happy 14th birthday to Joseph Murphy! He's such an amazing gift to me on this special day. My birthday would not have nearly as much meaning if it wasn't for the fact that I share it with my twin, Kerry, and my son, Murphy! How blessed am I??? I am very blessed!

Gee Wiz!

You'd think given the fact that I live in a town where I really know no one that I'd have gobs of time to write or at least post pictures on this here blog!! Yikes! I'm really struggling finding anything worth posting. Of course, I could brag about my kids and their successes in sports and in school (don't worry, I will!) but I'm feeling so blah that nothing seems worthy of wasting your time!

This move has been so hard! The obvious person that everyone asks about is Murphy! I totally get how it must have stunk for him to move away from family and friends in his 8th grade year! It did stink and, many times, it DOES stink! I feel for him but he's a gifted athlete with a great personality so he just effortlessly fits in anywhere he goes. That's a wonderful thing so it's hard for me when people ask me how Murphy is doing. My response is usually, "Murphy-Shmurphy" I say that with a thankful heart and I also say that knowing that his little heart breaks when he talks to his SB friends on Facebook or via text. I see his face fall and tears well when family come for a visit and then there comes the inevitable good-bye. Each time, I see the little boy that he really is even though in the next minute he looks like the young man that he's becoming! It's such a roller coaster of emotions all wrapped up in the 6'1" body of my almost 14 year old son.

Then there's sweet and kind, Briege. She dare not voice her anger or her displeasure at moving away from HER friends and her family. She doesn't want to add to anyone else's stress by chiming in with her heart-ache at leaving her Nana and Papa. She will let certain things slip, however. She'll quietly express her fear about the possibility that her Nana (both of them) or Papa will die and we won't be there with them. She will have big, quiet tears spilling on her cheeks as we say goodbye to Aunt Megan or Aunt Kerry or Cousin Colin (etc) She will whisper her miseries to her Nana so as not to upset Bill or me. I try my hardest to encourage her to share her feelings with us but she sees how much we're all trying to make a home here in Ohio and wants to be mommy's brave girl. She is that and so much more!

Keagan! Well, Keagan is a bundle of electric (and loud) energy! He forgets about SB because he's blissfully 6 (almost 7) It allows his mind and his heart to embrace the newness of Ohio without feeling such a loss of moving away from everything familiar. That is, until family come to visit. To see him dissolve into tears of joy when he sees a surprise guest from back home walk in our door is too much for me to bear. To see him dread the dawning of morning because he knows it will soon be time to give hugs and kisses of good-bye reminds me of all this little, funny, pistol of a kid has been through in his short life.



Don't get me wrong, my emotions are a bit raw right now because we just had family from SB here and the house is so darn quiet! Monday came and with it came sports practices, loads (and loads) of homework, grocery shopping, showers, baths, story time, and nighttime prayers. Then came Tuesday and so on... I guess, it's much easier to give voice to my children's emotions of the past few months because they very much mirror my own. I'm very sad and very homesick but hate to show it because then I seem weak or like I'm not trying to make a life here. I am one of those people that thrives on my friendships, and my church life, and my family. To have all 3 of these things now 273 miles away, it's difficult. I, however, would follow my husband to Siberia if it meant spending my life with him. I don't want to be apart from him and us staying in SB meant seeing him only on the weekends and I want more for my kids and for myself and for Bill than a part-time family. Yes, it would have meant that I still have my friends, my church, my family but I would be losing out on having my husband and the only father my kids have by my side.

I know it's only been 2 months but I just don't know how to meet people here. I'm not kidding, every person that I've met have lived here their entire lives which can sometimes translate as "No new friends needed, thank you" I volunteer in school but the moms already know each other and they spend their volunteer time huddled together recounting their GNO from last Thursday and I just spend it with the kiddos and realize that it's important for the kids that I'm there for them and not to fulfill some sort of friend quota that I might have. Throw in the fact that I have a torn hamstring/pinched nerve/back issues (not sure what it is) which prevents me from exercising (well, walking) and getting out there. That only continues the spiral of depressing thoughts and boredom which then makes the snowball bigger!

I remember before we moved listening to a radio program with a woman that was talking about how traumatic it was for her when she and her family moved when she was 14 and then the trauma was equally as bad when she and her husband moved when she was 40! She encourage those of us in similar situations to cleave to God. To use this time to rely solely on God as our everything. Perhaps, if nothing else, it is an opportunity for us to "clear out our closets" and get rid of distractions and just totally trust in the Lord for all. Yeah, easier said than done, right? I am trying so hard to just let God work His miracles in my life and I see them every day in the smiles of my kids, the gentleness of my husband, the comfort of His presence. I just need to work harder.