What We Do

Just a glimpse into what we do here in Northern Indiana despite the snow in February!

Music is back

I couldn't help it! I brought back the music player for my blog! If only for my own benefit because the songs I chose and have chosen make me happy. This selection is very special because it really describes where I'm at in my life. So, there you have it - breaking news!

Ash Wednesday

So many prayers spinning through my head at the start of this Lent. Names swirling around in there and events to ponder. But at the base of it all is Christ and His unbelievable sacrifice from birth unto death. Thank you, Jesus!

Almighty and Everlasting God,
You have given the human race
Jesus Christ our Savior as a model of humility.
He fulfilled Your Will by becoming Man
And giving His life on the Cross.
Help us to bear witness to You
By following His example of suffering
And make us worthy to share in His Resurrection.
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son.

Love

It's terrifying to put your heart on the line, isn't it? I mean with some it is easy to just blurt out the "I love you" and know you'll get it in return. I am coming out of a relationship where saying I love you was simple and it was passionate but it fizzled. I have nothing bad to say about the relationship other than it burned itself out rather quickly (at least on my part) I roll my eyes that the "experts" were right when it they tell people that it's not the passion that sustains a relationship - that should just be a byproduct of deeper, selfless love (byproduct sounds icky but it is the only word I could think of to use in this case, sorry)

So how, then, does one enter into another relationship without making the same mistakes when it comes to passion and love and intimacy and whatever? The answer, of course, is God! Duh, right? Well, you'd think duh but obviously I'm a thick-headed moron because I used to think that I included God in all my decision making but what I was doing was making my choices and then running to God because they didn't work out as planned. It became that I was only able to love one thing at a time and that's not at all what God wants for us. I loved so fast and deeply very quickly that I just tread all over my relationship with God and He patiently waited while I hurt and now I'm here, wiser for the wear (I pray!)

Enter the new relationship - with its unknown; its butterflies; its, well, newness. I guess why I'm so excited about this wonderful "thing" is that he has an amazing relationship with God and that makes it much easier for me to build on my relationship with God (how many times in one post can I say the word relationship? It should be a drinking game) This is not me inferring that I need a man to determine my course of worship. But, I've been in relationships (drink) with men that had little or no real love of God and it makes it so difficult to be the only one steering the ship the right way. I feel like I need to make a disclaimer on everything but this is not to portray myself as a martyr! I know now that God gave me those opportunities for growth and I pray that I did.

How does one change those familiar habits of diving in head first? I want to just put my heart on the line but I've also learned, the hard way (thank you, God), that I need to do this and all things in God's time. It's just that God's time requires patience and obedience and I stink in those areas! I always want to hurry get there and then when I'm there, it's always empty and never as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I always compare this part of my life with making spaghetti (hello? carb addict, anyone?) There is no rushing the boiling of the pasta? If you put the pasta in before the water is ready, it's never quite right and it tastes spongy. If you put the pasta in and don't wait for it to be ready, again, spongy. It's all a matter of waiting and this is what I intend to do with my new relationship (drink) I so want to experience all that newness and to experience it in the way God intend it. What's nice is so does B!

That makes things much easier!

Amazing Weekend!

I had an amazing weekend visiting my oldest friend (other than my family members that I consider my friends) Jenn and I have been friends since the 4th grade and we remained friends even through the "I'm not your best friend any more" phases of grade school. It was Jenn that encouraged me to break out of my comfort zone and attend Purdue. Well, that didn't turn out to be such a great idea mostly because I realized, rather quickly, that I was a homebody and a University that large just didn't embody home for me. For others, it does. Jenn is one of those people that it does have that family hold for her. It could be because like, roughly, 40 members of her family have attended and graduated from Purdue in the last 55 years! Yeah, that helps a bit!

Jenn helped me quite a bit on those many days that I was homesick and got mono and then when I got pregnant. She and a few other special friends (whom I visited while in the Chicago area after not seeing them for 19 years!!) went with me to the Women's Clinic for my pregnancy test and helped see me through the next whirlwind month or two of figuring out what to do next. Seeing these friends again brought it all back to me and I was amazed at how much I have grown in the past 19 years. I know, duh! What I mean is I think we all assume we've grown and people tell us such but we (well I) never quite see it from our own perspective (you know, like a floating above observation)

I just lived that stressful and life-changing time in my life on automatic. My parents graced me with the gift of practicality. At times, being practical ALL the time can be a burden but at stressful times like this, it's a God-send!! I just figured others observed me in the same manner. I thought that they might have seen me as just doing what I needed to do to get things done. But, it was one of my Boiler friends that mentioned how much she admired the fact that I never once waivered from my principles and that I stood my ground and was determined to have the baby. In a world where we are pressured by many groups (that shall remain NAMELESS) that tell us it's "Your body!" and that an abortion will make the problem go away, I guess I can look and be proud of the fact that I held to my strong beliefs during that time.

At 19? I didn't know anything but I guess that's why I love my parents so much because their work was done to create the foundation so that decisions later in life would be less painful. Not pain FREE but less painful! I pray that I can lay this same foundation for my own children. I won't even get into the whole conversation of my struggles with Murphy lately. That will have to be for another post down the line a bit!!

So, I guess this rambling bits is just to share how much fun I had! Hanging out with Jenn and her husband (and their 3 kids) was a much needed break from the mundane in South Bend. I love my life - my kids, my family, my city, my house - but it is nice to have an opportunity to reboot even if the drama continues at home in my absence!! Thank you Jenn and John for allowing me to reboot and for making me feel so much at home!

I have to post one picture of their home as it is unreal in its beauty! The town is incredibly quaint and, if I could afford it, I would move there in a minute!


PS. Did I mention that I ate at a Chinese restaurant for the first time EVER? Yep, I felt so cool and, yet, so small town all at the same time!!

Happiness...Well, Peacefulness...Well, Contentment...

I couldn't exactly decide on what to call this particular post! Am I happy? Am I peaceful? Am I content? Well, not always any or all of these things but I have felt another shift in my life. I believe it might have to do with me finally getting out of a personal situation that I've struggled with for about 3 months. I feel badly that it has ended badly and with bitterness and sadness peppered in the mix but, I'm amazed at how I've finally realized that I.AM.NOT.RESPONSIBLE.FOR.ANYONE.ELSE'S.HAPPINESS.

It seems like such a foolish and simple thing but I have never quite grasped the concept of this fact. I can spew it all I want and I can advise others of this but to truly believe it has escaped me until I witnessed it happen! I got to see firsthand that I am not the end all for someone's happiness! I was graced to see God's Grace wash upon me in the midst of an intimidating set of circumstances. I have grown, my people (well, in this blog's case, my person), I have grown! Now don't go flipping back to ALL of the other blog entries I've written to see where else I said I've conquered something and claimed growth - not nice!

There is, indeed, a difference in this growth "spurt". I have allowed God to completely and totally take over in the process. I've asked for His guidance in handling the situation and He has given me amazing words and an abundant amount of peace. I don't know that I've ever truly allowed God to work His stuff before this moment! The 2 years after Bill's death don't count as that was all God and no amount of me in there! This time, I realized that God was allowing me to be His instrument instead of me pretending that God was my instrument and trying to handle it all by myself! What a concept, huh?

So, without throwing the other person in the situation under the bus, I will just move on to how the good Lord has been working on me lately! The Kelly from the past was always wrapped up in how everyone thought about her. I believe that's normal but the lengths in which I went about to obtain approval from anyone was not normal nor healthy! Well, after stumbling through my 20s in this self-hatred fog which led to poor, poor, POOR decisions, I've emerged, finally, from the other side of it (albeit in my late 30s) a better person.

It's sad that it sometimes takes someone else to lead you there but I can see the shiny light of true redemption and peacefulness! Peace, as you may recall, has been the bane of my existence but I'm seeing that I've had it all along (kind of like a scene from the Wizard of Oz?) Isn't God great in His wisdom? The fact that He allows us to stumble and learn in order to be that much more shiny when we finally make it to Heaven? Golly, I sure do like the Lord!!!

I really feel as though I should document this part of my little journey with God and my path towards happiness(contentment, peacefulness, etc.) Now, before I begin, don't get me wrong - my own happiness and all of it is NOT contingent upon someone making me happy! That is gravy over the huge, yummy pile of mashed potatoes!




Upon the completion of my last relationship, I simply had a heart-to-heart with God! I told Him that, "I give up!" and "You win!" I implored Him to take over in my life as I was finally ready to "let Him" (I'm hilarious in that I ever thought that I was doing anything but messing things up!!)So, I asked God to nudge that husband of mine in Heaven, you know, the guy sitting next to God, and get to work in my life! I agreed to dial back the interference (I couldn't exactly promise to never interfere) if they (you all know that I realize it's God running the show, right? I just like to believe that my husband, Bill, is at the foot of Christ imploring on my behalf - or at least he better be!) would help me in the dating department. My first horse out of the gate was a wonderful man but, most definitely, not who I should be dating - again, sparing the details!

I just laid it out there and gave God my deal (again with the hilarity) I needed there to be obvious signs when I've met a good and Godly man. I'm really ok if it is in God's plan that I am to remain single as my life is full with kids, family, friends, and my Faith (seriously, I mean it!) But, since I'm in this dating thing to see what's out there for me, I thought that for the first time EVER I would let God guide me. So, I said show me someone and He sent me a man named Bill! OK, not Bill the First (you know, the lucky dog sitting at the feet of Christ!) but another Bill. In God's immense humor, I wasn't sure if He was just messing with me and/or whether meeting someone named Bill meant run away or it was a neon sign saying THIS GUY!

Naturally,I had to ask God to give me another sign that this could be a good one and He did. In talking to Bill the second I found out that his birthday is October 17th! This, for past reference, is the birthday of the son in which I placed for adoption (probably the only other instance in my life where I allowed God complete control) That was a huge sign for me and I know how some would think that what's the big deal but God knows my heart and He knows how important and sacred that date is to me.

But, isn't there something about God and 3 signs - like representative of the Holy Trinity? Well, for me, it has always worked for clarity's sake to work in increments of 3 - is that arrogant or am I just thick? I needed a 3rd sign to confirm that I wasn't just "desperate" to do this relationship thing right for once. In my mind, I imagined what the 3rd sign would be and then Bill, the second, told me how he had been to Medjugorje 3 times (3!) and how it truly converted him and has saved his life! Bill the first, are you listening? These are 3 amazingly specific things that all play a huge role in my life - in the past and now!

And now, the journey has begun! I refuse to be Charlie Brown with the whole football kicking (or lack thereof) fiasco. But, I gotta tell 'ya, I'm feeling very peaceful! Stay tuned...

*Sigh*

Life is so funny! Two days ago I blogged about how I was going to conquer doubt (that is the end result anyway) and right when I make that my goal, doubt is all up in my "kool aid"! Today brought a situation to a head that has been building for about 9 days between Murphy and me. It involves school (doesn't it always?) and it was my line in the sand 9 days ago that I was going to let Murphy sink or swim. Well, he's been treading water for about 8 of those 9 days and I've, periodically, thrown him a life preserver to float on for a bit but that preserver is gone now and his nose is beneath the water! All I can see are his green eyes and they are big and they are scared. And all I can do is watch helplessly as my son begins his science fair project drowning!

Science fair? Yes, science fair! All of this drama is in regards to a stinkin' science fair project! I realize that there are just some kids that are so laid back that nothing seems to phase them and Murphy is one of those kids. It may serve him well when bad things happen to be laid back but it won't serve him well getting through school and becoming a God-fearing young man. Nothing seems to incite him to follow through with things. Last year he had to sit out of basketball for two weeks because of a 76% in his math class. Ok! It was humiliating and I hoped that it would be a good growing experience and it was for like those exact two weeks. A year later and he has no recall of the event. Perhaps he has suffered some sort of brain injury? Not to make light of brain injuries or to wish that upon anyone but it would give me something to grasp!

Is it me? "Hello? Kelly? Yeah, it's me doubt! Yeah, I just wanted you to know that it's going to be harder than you thought to kick my ass! Now game on!" I can't help but wonder if I've been going about this parenting thing the correct way. Am I too lenient? Am I too strict? Am I too wishy-washy? Am I ? "Hello? Doubt? Ummm, yeah, it's me, Kelly! I was wondering if you could leave me alone? I'm very tired of this kick-boxing match and I'm really tired of the bruises that it leaves when each round is over."

Have you noticed a lack of Godliness in this post? And I have the audacity to label it under 'Faith formation'! I don't know how to get a re-do on parenting moments but I sure wish there was a button for them! Doubt creeps in (and he's creepy!) when I leave God out of the situation. Asking God to enter into each and every aspect of my life seems a bit much but it's exactly what I need to do in order to survive this. It's what my kids need in order to survive this!

So, excuse me as I go and pay my last respects to Murphy and his science fair project. Please pray that I follow thru and don't throw in the, ever-predictable, life preserver! Mostly, pray that Murphy gets it this time!

Watch out doubt!